World Prematurity Day

Today is the first annual World Prematurity Day. Obviously a day we hold dear in our hearts.

Just in case you don't know about our baby, read Freddie's story - starting here.

This post is extremely last minute and really, I should have taken the time to write something heartfelt that conveys how lucky I feel to be a mom - even if my baby isn't physically here with me right now.

I'm so grateful for the NICU, for technology that made it possible for me to spend seven days with my son. I'm grateful for the nurses, doctors, and hospital staff who took care of my baby and for the friends, family, and strangers that care about our story. We are so lucky.

In honor of World Prematurity Day, another NICU mom put together this video featuring some of heaven's best. Including our little boy (around the 1:00 mark).

We love you Freddie.

I really swear I'm coming back to blogging. I miss it. As soon as things settle a tiny bit in our neck of the woods - count on regular posts.

6 months.

6 months ago the most important, beautiful, perfect little boy entered our lives.

Unfortunately, our time was cut short. However, during his 7 days on earth, he changed us and so many others.

Happy six month birthday baby boy. We love you and miss you more every single day.

4 whole years

From this

to this

I would say I'm pretty lucky.
Lucky to have the best guy as my best friend, husband, and baby daddy.

And to celebrate...we're going to

HAWAII!

With our amazingly awesome friends John and Amber.
Because really, vacations are more fun with friends.

A little update

Well I'll be...this blog still exists. A due to some pokes and prods by friends — I'm posting again. Where have I been? What is the latest? Well, sit back and I'll do my best to update you.

So why haven't I blogged? Honestly it's because there is a lot of pressure. I've spent months blogging about Freddie. Blogging about our story, our pain, and our healing. While we'll always be working through good days and bad moments — I don't need to blog about it. And frankly, I don't want to. But it's hard to know what to write after writing about something so life changing and devastating. It's hard to flip the switch from writing about the pain in my heart to pet peeves, funny stories, and frivolous adventures. But I'll try.

It's amazing how living back in Utah fits for us right now. When we moved back in May, it was to be near family to help us through "hell" and for Fred to find a job in the golf industry up here, as the season was ending in Arizona but beginning in Utah. We knew moving to Utah was the right thing, especially when soon after — Fred's course in Scottsdale was closed for the summer for remodeling.

So we moved in with my parents.

Our Summer has been insane. Which really is an understatement. In Arizona, a lot of time was spent...catching up on shows, reading, or occasionally hanging out with friends. In Utah, I've hardly had a chance to sit and watch tv. (I hope you gasped...because I did when I first realized this)

Our dream was St. George. Utah County was for Fred to find something until we found something better in St. George. If that didn't happen — then it was back to Arizona in October.

It's funny how we think we're in charge of our lives. We aren't. Something you would think we would have grasped in April.

It took months for Fred to get a job. And months is a really long time when you're living with your in laws, working from a spare bedroom, and adjusting from living a state away from family — to living in the same house.

We were getting desperate. We looked at jobs in St. George and on one such trip down there following a job interview - it was clear that St. George wasn't where we needed to be. We talked about our "situation" — ya know the one in which I'm at the doctor at least once/twice a month. We looved our new doctor so starting over (again) with a new doctor after the progress we'd made was out of the question.

As we drove home through the ugly of Utah, Fred got a phone call from a golf course in Lehi where he had interviewed WEEKS before. In the 30 seconds I had to feel sad about giving up my dream in St. G. for the unknown, we had a solid confirmation that Utah County was where we needed to be with a job offer for Fred.

Fred literally started the next day and has been working nonstop since. He loves it. And I love him when he's happy...and not moping around the house.

So here we are a month and a half after he's fallen into a position he loves, with the potential for growth within the company. We're still living the dream in my parent's basement — but hopefully looking to settle down a bit closer to Lehi (to reduce that horrendous commute Fred has each day and my occasional commute to Logan).

Thank you to those who missed me (insert giant smiley face). I'm sure you don't miss my comments on your blog, but in my break from writing on this blog—I've also taken a break from reading blogs. There are 1000+ unread items in my google reader. Which is enough to make me want to go back into hiding. I'll slowly get back to commenting and catching up on your lives too but in the meantime—are we friends on Facebook? If we aren't—let's change that.

A Perfect World

In a perfect world, 

I would have given birth to a beautiful, healthy, baby boy on Saturday. The picture above that was taken when I was 21 weeks (and was the last belly shot I took) would have been what I think I would have referenced as my "glory days" of my pregnancy as I'm guessing I would gotten as big as a house.

In this perfect world, 

I would be on the brink of complaining about nursing, sleepless nights, and at the same time be completely and totally obsessed with my new babe.

Except, the world isn't perfect. But the plan is.

What Makes a Mother?

My beautiful friend Hillary gave me this poem on Mother's day. After a rough weekend, I found it again and was able to feel a little peace that I so desperately needed.

What Makes a Mother?

By Jennifer Wasik

I thought of you and closed my eyes; and prayed to God today.

I asked, "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say...

A Mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother, when your baby's not with you?

"Yes you can!" He replied with confidence in his voice.

"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day - And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here"

He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see you child smile with other kids and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom, who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly, my mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy, oh so much but I visit her each day...

when she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek; and whisper in her ear,

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my sweet dear one, your child is okay.

Your baby is here in my home; and this is where he'll stay.

He will wait for you with me, until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home; he'll be at the gates for you.

So now you what makes a mother, it's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of; right from the very start.

Blurring the personal line

Some of these questions were kind of hard. Hard to know what to say, hard to answer. My answers aren't perfect - and I'm sure aren't 100% correct (because the answers often depend on my surroundings) but here you go:

1. What were the things people said to you that were the most comforting and helpful?
   Sometimes having someone just say that they were sorry and giving you a hug was all that was needed. Or for many of our friends that weren't in the area - a text with words saying that you were thinking about us, praying for us, and loved us was the perfect thing to say. Just knowing we weren't alone - and we were loved was a huge spirit booster.
2. What is comforting to say to someone who is going through such a traumatic and heart breaking event?
   There isn't a standard answer for this. The best thing is to listen to your gut. For me, I couldn't talk on the phone. I read each text I received but I hardly wrote back. So if you reach out to someone going through a heartbreaking event - just be there for them when they need you - without smothering or butting in. Don't say things like "everything happens for a reason", "at least he's in a better place", or "you'll have more babies". Because while those things are true - they are the last things you want to hear. Because yes, there is a plan. And you will survive. But  it doesn't mean it's easy to accept.. and Heaven is a better place - but in your arms is a good place too.  and Yes, hopefully there will be more babies - but I want MY baby. 
3. What is helpful to have others do for you?
   When all was said and done and we had about a week of just "us" before graduation and burying Freddie. the thing that made that really helped were meals. I was soo against having meals brought in because we were okay. I could cook. But really - I couldn't. The thought of going to the grocery store made me break down and cry. We were so grateful for the meals brought in - it was so simple yet made life a tiny bit easier. Also having great friends who would just stop by to say hi and end up staying to chat or bring me a sonic drink - those things really helped too. 
4. What is the hardest thing to hear from others when you know they don't mean it to be harmful or insensitive but to you it is?
   The hardest question for me is "so...how are you doing" with the sympathetic eyes and hand on my arm. Without fail that will make me cry so please don't ask. Because asking "how are you?" is so standard -ask how I am in a cheerful way so I immediately answer in a cheerful way. We know I'm not okay - but unless I bring it up please don't.
   Also, sometimes it's hard to hear the "miracle" stories of people that have been in the same situation. At first we wanted to hear about thriving babies just like Freddie but once we learned of his condition - I didn't care about any of those stories and I didn't want to hear them. Be sensitive when trying to shed a little hope on the situation because you may not not the whole story and someone else's miracle may cause more heartache.
5. Have you been given any answers (medically) as to why you just went into labor on your own so early?
   My doctor in Arizona simply stated it was an infection in my placenta. With no cause, no prevention, and no warning signs. She breezed over it very nonchalantly as though I had a stubbed my toe NOT lost my baby. However, my new doctor in Utah doesn't think it was an infection entirely. I am undergoing tests to see if there is anything else that could have caused it. At this point - things are indicating a complete fluke.
6. Do you think you'll ever try to have a baby again?
   The first time I was asked this question - i almost laughed. then cried. Having a baby was obviously something we wanted and want very much. I have a baby. I am a mother. But we want more than anything to bring a healthy baby home. Sure the thought of being pregnant is terrifying but I have faith that we will have babies. 
7. How long do you think you'll wait to have a baby?
   My Arizona and Utah doctors agreed that it is smartest to undergo a number of tests and procedures before getting pregnant again. Both doctors think it was a complete fluke but we aren't about to chance it. Hopefully I'll be done with the tests soon and we'll if anything needs to happen medically before trying to have a baby again.
8. Did they try to give you anything to stop your labor?
   No. When I arrived at the hospital I was already dilated to a 10 and my water was on the verge of breaking. Unfortunately there was nothing they could do but prep for a 23-week old baby to be delivered. Though in the delivery room - I might have referenced Grey's Anatomy telling them how to stop my labor.
9. Do you think you'll ever get over this?
   No. Absolutely not. I hope to eventually get to the point where I don't cry every day and that I can speak to people about our experience without choking up but I will never get over losing my baby.
10. Could this happen again?
    Possibly. Until we know if there are other causes - we don't know what our risks are.
11. How is Fred?
    Fred is strong. He's had a really hard time, but silently. Recently, we bought him a dirt bike - and though some don't approve of such a large purchase at a time when we're in the unknown - its made a world of difference. Getting on a dirt bike and escaping is a way for him to cope and feel happiness. The smile its put back on his face is worth every. single. dime.
12. What are you doing to cope?
    I'm staying busy. When I'm busy I don't have time to dwell on the fact that I should be as big as a house right now. I should be whining about my swollen ankles, inability to sleep, or the fact that my feet have disappeared. Busy is good.

Hopefully I covered all the questions - at least the most commonly asked ones.

Thank you for reading, for caring, for commenting, and for helping me heal through this here blog. Hopefully our experiences have or will help you or someone you know