Fred & Chana

World Prematurity Day

2011-11-17T17:29:00.000-07:00

Today is the first annual World Prematurity Day. Obviously a day we hold dear in our hearts.

Just in case you don't know about our baby, read Freddie's story - starting here.

This post is extremely last minute and really, I should have taken the time to write something heartfelt that conveys how lucky I feel to be a mom - even if my baby isn't physically here with me right now.

I'm so grateful for the NICU, for technology that made it possible for me to spend seven days with my son. I'm grateful for the nurses, doctors, and hospital staff who took care of my baby and for the friends, family, and strangers that care about our story. We are so lucky.

In honor of World Prematurity Day, another NICU mom put together this video featuring some of heaven's best. Including our little boy (around the 1:00 mark).

We love you Freddie.

I really swear I'm coming back to blogging. I miss it. As soon as things settle a tiny bit in our neck of the woods - count on regular posts.

6 months.

2011-10-05T08:32:00.001-07:00

6 months ago the most important, beautiful, perfect little boy entered our lives.

Unfortunately, our time was cut short. However, during his 7 days on earth, he changed us and so many others.

Happy six month birthday baby boy. We love you and miss you more every single day.

4 whole years

2011-09-14T08:02:00.000-07:00

From this

to this

I would say I'm pretty lucky.
Lucky to have the best guy as my best friend, husband, and baby daddy.

And to celebrate...we're going to

HAWAII!

With our amazingly awesome friends John and Amber.
Because really, vacations are more fun with friends.

A little update

2011-09-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

Well I'll be...this blog still exists. A due to some pokes and prods by friends — I'm posting again. Where have I been? What is the latest? Well, sit back and I'll do my best to update you.

So why haven't I blogged? Honestly it's because there is a lot of pressure. I've spent months blogging about Freddie. Blogging about our story, our pain, and our healing. While we'll always be working through good days and bad moments — I don't need to blog about it. And frankly, I don't want to. But it's hard to know what to write after writing about something so life changing and devastating. It's hard to flip the switch from writing about the pain in my heart to pet peeves, funny stories, and frivolous adventures. But I'll try.

It's amazing how living back in Utah fits for us right now. When we moved back in May, it was to be near family to help us through "hell" and for Fred to find a job in the golf industry up here, as the season was ending in Arizona but beginning in Utah. We knew moving to Utah was the right thing, especially when soon after — Fred's course in Scottsdale was closed for the summer for remodeling.

So we moved in with my parents.

Our Summer has been insane. Which really is an understatement. In Arizona, a lot of time was spent...catching up on shows, reading, or occasionally hanging out with friends. In Utah, I've hardly had a chance to sit and watch tv. (I hope you gasped...because I did when I first realized this)

Our dream was St. George. Utah County was for Fred to find something until we found something better in St. George. If that didn't happen — then it was back to Arizona in October.

It's funny how we think we're in charge of our lives. We aren't. Something you would think we would have grasped in April.

It took months for Fred to get a job. And months is a really long time when you're living with your in laws, working from a spare bedroom, and adjusting from living a state away from family — to living in the same house.

We were getting desperate. We looked at jobs in St. George and on one such trip down there following a job interview - it was clear that St. George wasn't where we needed to be. We talked about our "situation" — ya know the one in which I'm at the doctor at least once/twice a month. We looved our new doctor so starting over (again) with a new doctor after the progress we'd made was out of the question.

As we drove home through the ugly of Utah, Fred got a phone call from a golf course in Lehi where he had interviewed WEEKS before. In the 30 seconds I had to feel sad about giving up my dream in St. G. for the unknown, we had a solid confirmation that Utah County was where we needed to be with a job offer for Fred.

Fred literally started the next day and has been working nonstop since. He loves it. And I love him when he's happy...and not moping around the house.

So here we are a month and a half after he's fallen into a position he loves, with the potential for growth within the company. We're still living the dream in my parent's basement — but hopefully looking to settle down a bit closer to Lehi (to reduce that horrendous commute Fred has each day and my occasional commute to Logan).

Thank you to those who missed me (insert giant smiley face). I'm sure you don't miss my comments on your blog, but in my break from writing on this blog—I've also taken a break from reading blogs. There are 1000+ unread items in my google reader. Which is enough to make me want to go back into hiding. I'll slowly get back to commenting and catching up on your lives too but in the meantime—are we friends on Facebook? If we aren't—let's change that.

A Perfect World

2011-08-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

In a perfect world,

I would have given birth to a beautiful, healthy, baby boy on Saturday. The picture above that was taken when I was 21 weeks (and was the last belly shot I took) would have been what I think I would have referenced as my "glory days" of my pregnancy as I'm guessing I would gotten as big as a house.

In this perfect world,

I would be on the brink of complaining about nursing, sleepless nights, and at the same time be completely and totally obsessed with my new babe.

Except, the world isn't perfect. But the plan is.

What Makes a Mother?

2011-07-24T19:35:00.000-07:00

My beautiful friend Hillary gave me this poem on Mother's day. After a rough weekend, I found it again and was able to feel a little peace that I so desperately needed.

What Makes a Mother?

By Jennifer Wasik

I thought of you and closed my eyes; and prayed to God today.

I asked, "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say...

A Mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother, when your baby's not with you?

"Yes you can!" He replied with confidence in his voice.

"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day - And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here"

He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see you child smile with other kids and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom, who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly, my mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy, oh so much but I visit her each day...

when she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek; and whisper in her ear,

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my sweet dear one, your child is okay.

Your baby is here in my home; and this is where he'll stay.

He will wait for you with me, until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home; he'll be at the gates for you.

So now you what makes a mother, it's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of; right from the very start.

Blurring the personal line

2011-07-13T11:00:00.000-07:00

Some of these questions were kind of hard. Hard to know what to say, hard to answer. My answers aren't perfect - and I'm sure aren't 100% correct (because the answers often depend on my surroundings) but here you go:

What were the things people said to you that were the most comforting and helpful?
Sometimes having someone just say that they were sorry and giving you a hug was all that was needed. Or for many of our friends that weren't in the area - a text with words saying that you were thinking about us, praying for us, and loved us was the perfect thing to say. Just knowing we weren't alone - and we were loved was a huge spirit booster.
What is comforting to say to someone who is going through such a traumatic and heart breaking event?
There isn't a standard answer for this. The best thing is to listen to your gut. For me, I couldn't talk on the phone. I read each text I received but I hardly wrote back. So if you reach out to someone going through a heartbreaking event - just be there for them when they need you - without smothering or butting in. Don't say things like "everything happens for a reason", "at least he's in a better place", or "you'll have more babies". Because while those things are true - they are the last things you want to hear. Because yes, there is a plan. And you will survive. But it doesn't mean it's easy to accept.. and Heaven is a better place - but in your arms is a good place too. and Yes, hopefully there will be more babies - but I want MY baby.
What is helpful to have others do for you?
When all was said and done and we had about a week of just "us" before graduation and burying Freddie. the thing that made that really helped were meals. I was soo against having meals brought in because we were okay. I could cook. But really - I couldn't. The thought of going to the grocery store made me break down and cry. We were so grateful for the meals brought in - it was so simple yet made life a tiny bit easier. Also having great friends who would just stop by to say hi and end up staying to chat or bring me a sonic drink - those things really helped too.
What is the hardest thing to hear from others when you know they don't mean it to be harmful or insensitive but to you it is?
The hardest question for me is "so...how are you doing" with the sympathetic eyes and hand on my arm. Without fail that will make me cry so please don't ask. Because asking "how are you?" is so standard -ask how I am in a cheerful way so I immediately answer in a cheerful way. We know I'm not okay - but unless I bring it up please don't.
Also, sometimes it's hard to hear the "miracle" stories of people that have been in the same situation. At first we wanted to hear about thriving babies just like Freddie but once we learned of his condition - I didn't care about any of those stories and I didn't want to hear them. Be sensitive when trying to shed a little hope on the situation because you may not not the whole story and someone else's miracle may cause more heartache.
Have you been given any answers (medically) as to why you just went into labor on your own so early?
My doctor in Arizona simply stated it was an infection in my placenta. With no cause, no prevention, and no warning signs. She breezed over it very nonchalantly as though I had a stubbed my toe NOT lost my baby. However, my new doctor in Utah doesn't think it was an infection entirely. I am undergoing tests to see if there is anything else that could have caused it. At this point - things are indicating a complete fluke.
Do you think you'll ever try to have a baby again?
The first time I was asked this question - i almost laughed. then cried. Having a baby was obviously something we wanted and want very much. I have a baby. I am a mother. But we want more than anything to bring a healthy baby home. Sure the thought of being pregnant is terrifying but I have faith that we will have babies.
How long do you think you'll wait to have a baby?
My Arizona and Utah doctors agreed that it is smartest to undergo a number of tests and procedures before getting pregnant again. Both doctors think it was a complete fluke but we aren't about to chance it. Hopefully I'll be done with the tests soon and we'll if anything needs to happen medically before trying to have a baby again.
Did they try to give you anything to stop your labor?
No. When I arrived at the hospital I was already dilated to a 10 and my water was on the verge of breaking. Unfortunately there was nothing they could do but prep for a 23-week old baby to be delivered. Though in the delivery room - I might have referenced Grey's Anatomy telling them how to stop my labor.
Do you think you'll ever get over this?
No. Absolutely not. I hope to eventually get to the point where I don't cry every day and that I can speak to people about our experience without choking up but I will never get over losing my baby.
Could this happen again?
Possibly. Until we know if there are other causes - we don't know what our risks are.
How is Fred?
Fred is strong. He's had a really hard time, but silently. Recently, we bought him a dirt bike - and though some don't approve of such a large purchase at a time when we're in the unknown - its made a world of difference. Getting on a dirt bike and escaping is a way for him to cope and feel happiness. The smile its put back on his face is worth every. single. dime.
What are you doing to cope?
I'm staying busy. When I'm busy I don't have time to dwell on the fact that I should be as big as a house right now. I should be whining about my swollen ankles, inability to sleep, or the fact that my feet have disappeared. Busy is good.

Hopefully I covered all the questions - at least the most commonly asked ones.

Thank you for reading, for caring, for commenting, and for helping me heal through this here blog. Hopefully our experiences have or will help you or someone you know

It's been awhile...

2011-06-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin this post. Should I start with telling you how it's felt kind of nice to have one area in my life where I've been able to disappear? Because it has been.

or perhaps tell you that we're okay. we're surviving. we have fun, hang out with friends, and even laugh - things I honestly thought I wouldn't never be able to do after losing my baby.

We're approaching what would have been Freddie's 3-month birthday and things have drastically changed in our lives. In the last few months we had our baby, lost our baby, graduated from college, buried our baby in Utah, moved from Arizona to Utah, moved in with my parents, and tried to feel some kind of normalcy in a world that doesn't stop.

Things have been non-stop insane and busy. Which in some ways is good. Busy is good for me. I only cry a tiny bit when things are busy.

We've been asked a ton of questions from people ranging from friends to strangers. Because of the outpouring of love and support, I don't feel like people are butting in. Yes, this is our struggle. But if by not holding it in we can heal a little more, help someone else, or just get thoughts/feelings off our (my) chest - then I don't mind being an open book.

With that being said, if you have a question...ask it. Now's your chance to ask the question you're wondering about, or want to ask me in person but don't dare. I don't mind. Feel free to leave a question in the comments section with or without your name - I'll do my best to answer all questions in a post next week.

I plan to get back to my regular posts - griping, complaining, or making fun of my husband but I don't feel like I'm at that point yet. So bear with me.

Freddie's Graveside

2011-05-26T12:54:00.002-07:00

On Saturday, April 23rd we buried our baby.

We held a graveside service for our son, inviting only close friends and family.

It was windy. cold. and not sunny like the weather had promised.

My dad conducted and spoke briefly about our son and the Savior, my best friends sang Families Can Be Together Forever, Fred spoke, my sister Sydney read a poem, we all released balloons in honor of Freddie, and Fred's father dedicated the grave.

It was perfect.

I wanted to share the talk Fred gave. He did such an amazing job and I know our little boy was there and was so proud.

It’s hard to know where to begin in speaking about Freddie’s short journey here on Earth.
As parents, we all want the best for our children. For us, the best for Freddie involved the hardest decision and heartache ever imaginable. We had faith the Lord had a plan and the faith to follow our promptings as hard as it might be.

We were so blessed to be able to spend a week with our perfect son. To have precious memories to hold on to of his sweet personality. We wish that everyone was able to meet Freddie. He had a spirit about him that was indescribable. At 23 weeks, he was born this tiny, perfect baby. He had long bony fingers, HUGE feet, eyelashes, Chana’s chin, my ears, and a good sized Taylor nose. He was born bald but by day 5 he had fuzzy hair and a unibrow. He was beautiful.

There was nothing better than sitting beside him with his tiny fingers wrapped around yours. He was always willing to hold your hand until you wore out your welcome – at which time he would quickly pull his hand out of yours and NOT give it back. Chana’s favorite thing was to tickle Freddie’s big feet. He immediately reacted by pulling his feet away, spreading his toes, and scrunching his face in annoyance.

We once fought over the duty of changing diapers when the baby came – however when our story changed and we were given the opportunity to change his tiny diaper a handful of times it was something we almost fought over to be able to do it. I never thought I would be excited or come running to change a diaper.

Holding our son was the greatest moment of our lives. How something so small and almost weightless could capture your heart so completely was amazing.

The final moments we had with our son only solidified our testimonies of the Gospel as we could feel the comfort and peace of Heaven surrounding us. We knew this was part of God’s plan and that our son had an important mission to complete in Heaven. As one of God’s most valiant sons, he had only needed to come to Earth to gain a body. We are so grateful he chose us. This little boy has changed our lives and the lives of so many others in his short journey.

We know we will see him again and that we will be able to raise our perfect son. In the meantime, we have a guardian angel watching over us, preparing our future children, and serving valiantly in Heaven.

Freddie – Thank you for picking us. We love you more than words could ever convey. Thank you for your perfect example. We will be working hard to make it back to you. We pray that you will always be with us. We hope you’re telling your brothers and sisters how great but sometimes annoying we may are and that you’ll watch over the rest of us.

We are so proud of you and your perfect example. We’re proud to be your parents.We couldn’t ask for a more perfect son to carry on my name.

Fred Joseph Wald VI you will be missed, celebrated, and will always hold a giant piece of our hearts. We know we will see you again and can’t wait for that sweet reunion.

We love you.

We cried because we miss our little boy. We smiled because we have memories of our week with him.
We know he's safe and whole and most importantly happy. We know we'll see him again.

Graduation

2011-05-23T08:33:00.001-07:00

Life is hard. No one should ever have to go through this trial and I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I know that I couldn't get through this without a number of things - the support of our families, friends, and even strangers, my testimony of the Gospel, and Fred.

Fred has truly been my rock during this. We're both grieving beyond belief but Fred is the strong one. The one who holds me when I sob (only grimacing slightly when tears are mixed with boogers), who tells me I'm beautiful when I haven't worn make up in weeks and I look like I've aged 40 years and been hit by a truck (to which he says "no, not a truck. Maybe just a mini van"), and who tells me over and over again how we're going to be okay and that we can do this because we're not alone. He is constantly taking care of me whether it's finding someone to come check on me during the day (because being alone is the hardest), bringing me a sonic drink, or surprising me by having one of my good friends Emily come do my nasty hair the night before Freddie's graveside (because he knew how gross I felt with 4-inch roots).

On April 21st, we were able to celebrate a little despite everything that has been going on.
Fred graduated from school! Fred is the first in his family to graduate from college. Ever.

Our lives were turned upside down just a week before finals and his graduation. He was able to keep it together to finish school, take his finals, and graduate. I'm so proud of his accomplishment and hard work. He worked hard to graduate as one of the best in his class.

Fred and his older sister Mandy

Fred and his proud parents

Fred and his hot wife

I wish I could find the words to express how grateful I am for him. We've grown more in the last few weeks then in the last few years - He deserves credit for keeping me sane and for any strength that you think I may have.

Tender Mercies

2011-05-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

I wrote this the day after Freddie's passing. Instead of changing all of the language to seem as if I wrote it today I decided to keep it as is.

Before all of "this" I never fully understood what a tender mercy was. They talked about them all the time in conference talks and at church but honestly I had no idea what they were talking about. However, after the week we've had there have been so many tender mercies from the Lord and I finally know what it means.

I wanted to share a couple instances that meant so much to us.

Before last week, we hadn't planned on delivering with my OB or in Arizona at all. We've wanted to move back to Utah for the Summer so that we could be closer to family when the baby came and Fred would be able to get more experience with a busier golf season.

Upon going into labor, we found ourselves wishing we were in Utah simply because in our situation we wanted to be surrounded by LDS people. People who wouldn't look at us strangely if we asked to do a blessing or gawk at my funny under clothes. People who would share experiences or thoughts with an LDS perspective, and have compassion knowing what we believe in and how to possibly comfort us.

Not to say that non-LDS people don't do any of those things. Because we know they do...

After delivery, I was assigned a new nurse. We were scared. worried. and still in complete shock that we had just had a baby. My new nurse came in, introduced herself, and told us that soon we would be able to see our little boy. When she was leaving, she said, "Are you LDS?" we said yes. Unsure of where this could be going...She then said "I thought so. I'm LDS too and if you guys would like to do a blessing for you and for the baby that would be okay. We can make sure it happens before they life flight him."

Immediately we felt comfortable and were able to openly discuss what we'd like to happen before we had to say goodbye to our baby as he left for a different hospital.

My nurse was great. She was very supportive and made sure that our priority was to get me out of there as soon as possible so we could get to where our baby was.

After leaving that hospital to basically take residence at another, we constantly wished that we had an LDS nurse, social worker, or doctor. We were surrounded by professionals all week that didn't seem to have the compassion or faith that we did. They were all wonderful but very matter-of-fact and blunt in regards to our situation. There was less about the after and more about the death, which made everything even harder.

Tuesday, April 12th, was our hardest day. We knew the decision we had to make and dreaded it. About half way through the day (after our meeting with the doctors), our nurse Kerri approached us at Freddie's bedside and said, "I noticed you guys were LDS. I am too. I also lost a child - so while I can't imagine what you're going through in this situation. I do know the pain of losing a child. Can you imagine going through this without the knowledge that we have?"

We immediately teared up and felt a huge comfort. Through tears I told her that we had been praying for her. We knew that she was meant to be our nurse especially on that day. Kerri spent a lot of her time that day talking to us about her experience losing her daughter 20 years before and how her testimony has grown since. I know that she was inspired to tell us the things she did and while she even said that she hoped what she had to say helped in some way, she helped us in ways she may never know.

One thing that she said really touched me. She said that when she went through her similar trial, she felt as though she had a choice. To let this define her in a way that made her bitter, angry, and different for the rest of her life or she could use this experience to shape her into a stronger person, mother, and wife and allow the atonement to take her burden and make her a better person. She chose to move forward to be a better person. She said that even 20 years later it still made her cry but that the more she talked about it the better she felt. She said that someday we would be in the situation where our story would be one that touched someone else's life.

I am so grateful for the all of the tender mercies we've received and continue to receive. This is something that we will never get over - but that is the beauty of it. Little Freddie has changed our lives, and we are being molded into what we hope will someday be stronger versions of ourselves. This trial is one that no one should ever have to go through, we hope that someday we can help another family in some small way.

Surrounded by Angels (Part 2)

2011-05-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

Just after 1:30, our nurse came to get us. As she led us down the hall, I couldn't help but feel like I was being led to my death. She led us to another office where our doctor, social worker, and the neurologist were waiting.

We sat down. The doctors began to fumble in the unfamiliar setting to pull up the scans to compare the previous week's and that morning's images. The neurologist couldn't figure out how to get the images side by side and how to use the mouse to point out specific things - as he struggled trying to get the right image and get them to be side-by-side I nearly had an anxiety attack. I was so close to yelling "I don't care about the side by side. JUST TALK TO US!!"

But I sat there. In silence. telling myself to breathe.

They showed us the images. Our hopes were destroyed. That miracle we'd been looking for wasn't going to happen. Things weren't better - but they weren't really worse. His brain hemmoraging had progressed but only slightly. We asked questions making sure that there wasn't a glimmer of hope some place we hadn't thought of. Again we were told he would be paralyzed on the left side of his body. Because he had basically suffered a severe stroke, he would never walk, talk, or do anything for himself. He had a very high chance of being severely mentally handicapped and would have some degree of cerebral palsy.

Again we were told of our options. To either keep sustaining him and choosing that outcome as his best case scenario or to let him go - comfortably and peacefully. We cried. They told us that there was no rush. That the parent room would continue to be ours as long as we needed.

I asked about pain because I just wanted to make sure he wasn't suffering now or ever. Fred commented about how we didn't think it was fair to keep him trapped in a body he couldn't use, to which the doctors looked at us as if we were confused.

We talked about quality of life. Discussing whether we were prolonging the inevitable and only keeping him for selfish reasons. We were reassured that there was no rush - but you could tell my our doctor's tone that she didn't expect him to make it much longer in the state he was in.

We knew the answer. We had had it confirmed multiple times. Freddie's journey was finished. He had come to Earth for what he needed and was simply hanging on because we needed him. We hadn't been able to say goodbye, yet in this moment we knew that was what needed to happen.

We told the doctors - they all seemed surprised that we would choose to have it happen that day. Telling us that we didn't need to rush. But I knew there was no way I could spend another night in that hospital knowing it was coming. It was time.

I asked what we did from there - because there was no way I could utter the words to end his journey. Our nurse who had been silent the whole time simply said, "all you have to say is that you're ready to hold him. As soon as you're ready, we'll make it happen".

We left the room feeling a sense of comfort, relief, sadness, and heartache all rolled into one. We told my family who immediately began to try to get a hold of Holly to come take pictures that evening. Knowing that his journey would end that night, my parents set off to change my sister's flights (once again), renew their rental car (once again) and see what they could figure out with the photographer.

We went in next to Freddie and just sat. Trying to absorb every inch of him. Because we had made the decision they weren't going to give him any additional transfusions or progressive care. They were to keep him where he was essentially. Our nurse was so sweet and will actually receive her own post. She sat and talked to us but then would give us our space to spend time with our baby. She was the nurse we needed that day (more on that in her post).

It was so strange but as we sat there next to Freddie, for the first time in a week I felt a glimmer of happiness. At that moment, I knew this was something I could handle. God wouldn't give us something we couldn't do - so we could do this. I felt this overwhelming peace and comfort. There was this feeling surrounding him that you couldn't help but feel peace. Fred and I were able to openly discuss where we would bury him, how we felt, and how lucky we had been to have the chance to be with our little boy for a whole week - without tears. We were just happy. Happy to have this time together as a family. Happy to have had a week to spend with our son - holding his hand, singing him songs, and tickling his feet. Happy to know he wasn't going to be in pain or have to struggle.

We didn't know when it was going to happen. It was kind of something that we were waiting to see when a photographer could come. We sat next to him all afternoon, only leaving when sterile procedures were going on. Unfortunately, Holly was unable to come due to her schedule. Our nurse had told us about a nurse that could take pictures so we thought it was an option though we weren't excited about it. As we tried to figure something out, I made a last minute phone call to my good friend Hillary. It was probably around 5pm. I called Hillary and just asked if maybe she would call her photographer friend Aubry to see if maybe Aubry would be willing to come take pictures. I had never met Aubry - but I knew she took amazing pictures. Hillary quickly called Aubry who dropped everything and worked it out to come. She wouldn't be able to make it out there until about 9:00 but she would be there.

Then it turned into the waiting game again - but this time without the pain, dispare, and utter devastation. We were still all of those things but we couldn't feel it.

Our room was cleaned up, bags removed and taken to the car. We spent the evening rotating with Freddie and trying to get as much time with him as we could. When 7:00 came, I was actually devastated to see our nurse go. I almost begged her to stay on until we too were ready to leave. Our night nurse was one that had been with Freddie quite a bit before. She wasn't unfriendly but wasn't overly friendly either. That night because she knew of the events that were to take place, she was incredibly nice. She opened up to tell us that she too had lost a child. While she didn't say much, she did say how things would get better and that we would be happy again.

Note: There is no way I can fully describe the experiences we had this night and I guess there isn't a reason I need to. I wish I could have bottled the feelings and comfort we felt that night. To share with others, hold on to during our hard times, and to feel forever. I can't put into words everything that we experienced as we returned our son to our Heavenly Father that night but I hope that in reading this that you too can feel the Spirit and know of our testimonies.

At about 9:30, Aubry and Hillary got there. The nurses had set up curtains around Freddie so that we could have a little privacy. Luckily, there was only one other baby in his pod and his parents weren't visiting so we were able to bring everyone back.

We were as ready as we were ever going to be.

The nurses brought over a rocking chair and they moved his bed a little to give more room for us to sit with him. They were going to sedate him to keep him comfortable and calm. They would remove what they could and we would hold him as he was still hooked up to the ventilator. As soon as we were ready, they would disconnect his ventilator switching to manual oxygen and we would go back to the parent room where we would say goodbye in private.

As they prepared his sedation, the oxygen, and everything else I just stood next to him. He was so beautiful as he laid there calmly. As I stood there holding his hand, all of a sudden his heart rate spiked and for the first time in a week I was pushed aside because something wasn't right. He was crashing. I have never been so scared. I knew it was the end but this wasn't the end that we'd planned.

Somehow his air tube had come out, they had to rush to stabilize him and give him manual breaths. His doctor strongly suggested that we come hold him then and make this our goodbye. I couldn't move. I sat there paralyzed unable to answer. She then asked if we wanted them to hook him back up to the ventilator - she must have asked a few times before it registered because I then semi-yelled "I don't know! I can't make that decision!" Fred instructed her to hook him back up. I began feeling guilty - what if this was him being called home and we made them bring him back. But then Fred told me we were okay. Freddie needed us to say goodbye to him the way we had planned so that WE could have the closure we needed. They did and once they stabilized him they had me go over and sit in the rocking chair.

They put a warm blanket on my arm and placed my son in my arms for the first time in both of our lives. He was my son. My miracle. My greatest achievement.

He was so tiny. Holding his 1lb 3oz body was the greatest moment of my life. He was the most important thing in the world and nothing else mattered. I just cried. Fred sat next to me and held both little Freddie and me. Our family came up and got to meet him close up.

After a while I switched with Fred so he could hold him. Seeing Fred hold his son was another of the greatest moments in my life. I can't explain it but I've never felt so proud.

While sitting next to Freddie it was much easier to kiss his sweet head because when you were holding him you were limited in the movements you could make with his air tube being so fragile. Next to him, I was able to just kiss and smell and talk to him much closer.

We took a bunch of pictures, talked to Freddie, and eventually it was time. They unhooked his machine and switched to manually breathing again. Fred stood up and walked ever so slowly with the respiration therapist and our nurse down to the parent room. I followed.

Our family and photographer waited in the family waiting room.

We got into the room and I again took my baby boy into my arms. For awhile the respiration therapist kept providing his breaths as we sat there in silence just drinking our son in. Then it was time.

They removed his breathing tube and for the first time we were able to see his entire beautiful face. The nurse and the therapist left the room. I wish I could fully describe the feeling in the room - we were literally surrounded by angels. I know we were. There was this comfort, peace, and presence that was so...overwhelming. It was like being in a cloud. I know without a doubt we weren't alone.

We sat there telling Freddie how much we loved him, that we were grateful he chose us and that we were able to spend a week with him. We told him that we knew he must he important to only need to come to earth for a short while and that we would make it back to him someday. Fred told him how proud he was of him and that he couldn't think of anyone better to carry on his name. He told him how we hoped he would never leave us and that we would be able to feel of his presence often.

We watched as our son's heart beat slowed down and at 11:05PM we felt it as his spirit left his body. I have never felt that way before - we were sustained by a feeling so powerful and comforting that we couldn't be sad. We could only smile because our son was home. He free of the pain and struggle that he had faced and he was whole. We knew we would see him again.

After a few minutes of holding him close, feeling the presence of angels, and trying to absorb everything feeling, impression, and emotions - Fred went to get our family.

During the next couple hours we held Freddie, bathed him, took pictures that we would forever treasure, and dressed him in the smallest outfit we could find.

Around 1:30AM, we said goodbye to Aubry and Hillary. Then to my parents and sisters. We gathered the rest of our things, signed some paperwork, and went home.

I cannot begin to express my gratitude for Aubry and Holly. Both are amazing phoenix photographers that were so kind as so donate their time and talents to come take pictures that mean more than anyone could ever know. We've been so blessed during all of this by the love, support, and kindness from everyone around us. We cannot thank everyone enough. While this may have been the end of Freddie's earthly journey, in the week that he spent here with us he impacted many lives and was loved by many.

We are so grateful to all the nurses we had at St. Joes. We were lucky to have some amazing nurses, many of whom had lost a child of their own. I truly admire their strength to work somewhere like the NICU - I couldn't do it.

We are grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For our testimonies of eternal families and the Atonement. This trial is one we believe no one should have to go through this because of Christ's Atonement we are able to. We believe our family is eternal and we will see our baby boy someday. We are grateful for the Spirit we've felt so often during this because without our knowledge of the Gospel and our faith, I honestly do not think I could live through this.

Tuesday (Part 1)

2011-05-15T22:39:00.001-07:00

I'm already dreading writing this post. As I was looking through my posts, I was hoping that I had already written this. No such luck. There is this indescribable pain and peace that I have writing this. I would give anything to have our circumstances be different. To have a baby that was still inside me, or even fighting with an excellent prognosis in the NICU. But that isn't our story.

As usual I woke up and went right in to see Freddie. When I went in, they were doing his head ultrasound. I didn't want to see the images right then because I knew we would be pulled into an office later that day. I stood back until they finished and then went to do the usual - sit next to Freddie until shift change.

The nurses in the NICU did 3 days on - so we'd had only a handful of nurses because they would typically finish their scheduled days with the same baby. That morning he had a new nurse, she was someone around my mom's age. She kindly introduced herself, updated me on my baby's night, and then stood aside to let me have some time with my baby. I told him good morning, talked to him about the dreams he'd had, and just held his hand.

While the nurses were swapping, I went back to eat the breakfast my older sister had picked up on her walk to the hospital from the hotel and I got "ready" for the day. Getting ready for me meant - get in the shower, sob my guts out while in the shower (hoping the sobs were muffled), get dressed in something that wasn't maternity or if it was didn't look it, do my hair, and put on waterproof mascara. Voila. There is your how-to guide to looking haggard yet beautiful(ly destroyed).

As soon as I was finished getting ready, I was in with Freddie. I wasn't leaving, so my family took turns rotating through. While I was sitting next Freddie, the head nurse for the NICU came up to tell me that our doctor and the team of specialists was planning on reviewing Freddie's scans and then talking to us at 1:30. My heart sank. Everything changed to a count down to 1:30. We knew things weren't going to be better. Or at least not in a way that would save our son from a lifetime of struggle. Yet at the same time we hoped. Hoped that literally by a grand miracle the bleeding would be gone. The damage reversed. That all our little boy had to do was get bigger and stronger and then we would take home a healthy baby boy who beat the odds and was an inspiration to all.

This is where the details of the day begin to get foggy.

I can't remember the exact order of things that morning - only that it felt like days.

Fred had been at school all morning, attempting to clear his head to finish his finals to graduate the following week. He was able to finally get back to the hospital around 11:00. We had been kicked out of the NICU because Freddie was getting a new bed. His current bed had a broken door (where you stick you arm through) the door had fallen off and in its place was a piece of plastic keeping the humidity and temperature up. it broke on his 1st night there but because he was so critical they couldn't move him until Tuesday. Again a tiny victory that made you think hope wasn't lost. While they moved him we had to leave so Fred was forced to just sit. and wait. He could hardly stand it. All he wanted to do was be in there with his son. Finally we got the call saying we could come back in. Fred and I went in and only a little while later we were kicked out again for another procedure on another baby. This time it would be a little while longer so Freddie's nurse made Fred promise to make me eat. We went down to the cafeteria where Fred ate and I picked at his food. My parents and sisters who had been roaming the halls restlessly (my mom literally cannot sit still) came to find us. We updated them on Freddie's new bed and that the doctors would be pulling us in at 1:30.

After the alloted time, we went back upstairs and back inside with Freddie. soon after we were kicked out again. I'm not sure on the timing of everything but while we were kicked out we went back into our room where we cuddled on the bed trying to get 30 seconds of rest in our restless week. As we both fell asleep, someone knocked on the door. I sat up and our social worker walked in. Instead of seeing that we were obviously trying to rest in the spare moment that we had, she flipped on the light and came to sit down at the chair at the end of the bed.

I haven't blogged much about our social worker - she was incredibly cold. She seemed to try and force a tiny bit of compassion but it just came out as "yeah yeah your baby is early and there is no hope". She had had the nerve to talk to me corner me on Friday in the NICU about my "options" (this is the day after we learned our baby wasn't going to make it...the last thing I wanted to talk were those options) and made the point of telling me that she was leaving soon for the weekend so she wanted to tell me before she clocked out. Honestly, I don't think she expected to see us Monday. Then on Monday morning, she stopped by Freddie's bed where Fred and I were both in tears. She had gone to the opposite side of his bed and simply said, "Mind telling me how the weekend went?" in a cold, accusing voice.

As she sat at the end of the bed, she talked to us about our options again. About what we could do to make our last moments special. There was actually a glimmer of sympathy in her eyes. We talked about how we most definitely wanted a photographer there to capture us holding him for the first time and how I wanted hand imprints if I could get them. As she was telling us about the imprint kit they had, my sister Sydney came in to grab her purse. She walked in and as she was leaning over to grab her purse off a chair, Marilyn said, "should we continue this in private?" Sydney quickly said, "I'm just grabbing something. I'm not staying". So she left. Moments later, my parents came in and sat down (they knew how much we disliked our social worker). Marilyn repeated that same question. I was so annoyed. We were talking about imprints. Nothing crazy personal. Fred just said, we're all family. It doesn't matter. She talked to us more about the imprints and said she would get us one to look at.

She left to go grab the imprints and a few other things and we told my parents the other things she had talked to us about. We then looked at the clock. It was about 1:10. We decided that we needed to go in to see Freddie before the doctors pulled us aside. So off we went. As we were walking down the hall, Marilyn was walking back up with the imprints. We told her that we were going to go see Freddie and would look at the imprints later.

no catchy title here...

2011-05-09T08:22:00.013-07:00

Sunday:
This was the first day where just the two of us had the opportunity to just sit with Freddie as long as possible. Fred's family had left, my parents were at church 40 minutes away so we just sat as our little family in the NICU.

As we sat there in the morning, we noticed that Freddie's neck looked...thicker. I noticed it but thought that maybe it was just the position that they had him in that made him look that way. A little while later, the nurse asked if we thought his neck looked thicker. His neck was swelling up which made his tiny chin disappear and made him look like he had a "gobbler". His neck was literally almost the width of his tiny shoulders. They did an x-ray and discovered that his PICC line was going up into his neck blocking the drainage of any fluid from his neck or head.

Mr. Thick-Chin

They had to go in and pull the PICC line out a little to see if it would make the swelling go down. After they pulled it out a little they would look to see if he had any other viable veins to put in another PICC line. The doctor on duty that day told us that if the swelling didn't go down and they couldn't find another vein that potentially this could be the beginning of the end. He was at great risks for blood clots and the only way for them to get blood clots out of the neck was to give blood thinners - but because he was on such high dosages of blood pressure meds he wasn't a candidate for that.

after the neck went down

Unfortunately, the nurse blew the one vein he had left so a new PICC line wasn't going to work. Luckily though the swelling went down pretty rapidly.

Monday:
Fred took a much needed afternoon away from the hospital. He had to finish up some school stuff so after he left I barely left Freddie's side. literally. I was exhausted and I couldn't sit at his incubator without touching him somehow - usually with my hand cradling the top of his little head. Poor Freddie. He was probably so sick of me. Plus his little incubator was hot with ample humidity - so he was stuck with his mom's sweaty hand on his head, chest, foot, or trying to hold his hand all day.

I sat there as the parents of the other babies in the pod came and went, I rested my head against his incubator and told him it was okay if he needed to go. That we loved him so much and were so proud of his fight but that we knew the plan and he shouldn't hold on if it was his time.

Monday evening as I sat next to Freddie, the group of doctors came around doing rounds. I hated when they did this. It was awful - like being on an episode of scrubs or greys anatomy. Yes please sit and talk about our baby's grim future as though his sobbing, emotional, and human mother isn't sitting right there. No, please. When they came around was my time to take a break so I wouldn't have to hear it.

After the group of greenies left, the director of the unit and the doctor on duty that night approached me at Freddie's incubator. They began asking me questions on our decisions, feelings, impressions from the other specialists, etc. I told them what the other doctors had told us but that we weren't ready to make or vocalize a decision yet. The doctor on duty then said something that really made me realize that we really were on borrowed time and that Freddie was hanging on because WE wanted him there.

She told me that while they didn't want to pressure me and that they would continue giving him the best care possible - that we only had a window of time to make this decision. He had graduated from one ventilator to another and that while he still required a lot of support, if he kept progressing with his breathing and lung abilities (which could happen within a week) he could be taken off the ventilator. Once he was off the ventilator, the decision was no longer ours. Once he was breathing on his own - we had made our choice and that was the life we'd chosen to give him.

I started sobbing. This was the first time anyone had mentioned that time was running out. We knew that wasn't the life he was to live. We had received confirmation that his time on Earth was to be short but we also didn't have the power to say goodbye yet. Every day we were with him made it harder and harder to make that decision. We were so in love with this baby and of course we didn't want to say goodbye. In our heart of hearts we were still hoping for a miracle.

Fred got back and came in to sit next to Freddie to make up for all the lost time that day.

My parents had been there all day but decided to get out and go "get grapes" (my mom is bad at lying). When they came back, my two sisters were with them. My sisters had flown in from Utah to meet Freddie. They would be there for the night and then leave in the morning. As the night progressed and I told everyone about the conversation I had with the drs. We knew we would ultimately be making some big, hard decisions the next day. Because of this, my sisters changed their flights to leave Tuesday night instead.

That night we took turns in next to Freddie, snuck away to dinner, and skyped with my brothers and their families so they could meet our little man too. (sidenote: how cool was it that we were able to skype with Fred's fam and mine so that they could meet our babe? answer: extra cool)

Fred had to take a few finals the next morning, so he went home to our house to sleep. I had pretty much decided that if Fred wasn't there, I wasn't sure I could sleep so I would probably just sit in next to Freddie all night. Which was fine by me - I was invincible. I didn't need sleep and I definitely didn't need to eat. Instead of leaving me alone, my little sister opted to spend the night with me while my older sister took the hotel room. We stayed with Freddie until about 2:00 AM and then went to get some shut eye.

postscript: I feel like there is so much I'm leaving out. I hate it. I hate not being able to capture every moment through this blog to remember what it felt like. These posts are getting shorter - which I'm sure some are glad for - but for me it means I'm leaving things out. Which breaks my heart and brings tears.

One Month

2011-05-05T07:23:00.002-07:00

Today would have been Freddie's one month birthday.

Happy Birthday baby boy.

We love you and miss you more than you could ever know.

I hope they have birthday parties in heaven.

Another Point of View

2011-05-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

The photographer, Holly Brimhall wrote an amazing post about her experience in the NICU with Freddie. The mother in me sees it as bragging rights for my child - so everyone should read it.

My baby is and was amazing. Someday you'll all get to meet him.

Click to Read Holly's Post

Saturday

2011-05-02T17:58:00.004-07:00

When I was home in February for work, I was at my sister's house. She had shown me Holly Brimhall, this photographer in Mesa that took ah-mazing newborn pictures. I fell in love. Because she was so talented and amazing, she was also out of my "we're broke" budget. But I looked at her site regularly, followed her blog, and dreamed of the shots I would take with my little baby.

Fast forward to the present - our nurses had talked to us about the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and while I couldn't think of setting something like that up because it broke my heart, my mom and sister took matters into their own hands. My sister contacted Holly and without hesitation Holly offered to come and take pictures for us. That Saturday, she drove more than an hour to take pictures of us with our little boy.

Saturday was a big day.

In the morning, I followed the same routine - wake up, throw my hair back, put on my flip flops and head into Freddie to say good morning and sit for a little bit before being kicked out at shift change.

I hated that we were doing pictures because I knew what it meant in the long run. However, these pictures are now something we'll treasure for the rest of our lives.

In Freddie's journal I wrote:

Today we did a photoshoot with you. You did a great job. I couldn't stop holding your hand all morning so you were a little sick of us trying to hold your hand for pictures. The nurses were so great with helping us. They opened your bed and we got to pick you up. This was the first time we got to hold you in any way. Because you're on a special ventilator, we could only lift you about 3 inches but those 3 inches meant the world. You're so tiny that you can fit in your daddy's hand. Our favorite part about about doing pictures was that we were able to kiss you. After 4 long days, we finally got to kiss your sweet little head. You are so sweet baby boy. Even the photographer could tell you were a special spirit and cried.

We know you are one of the very best of God's children and we are so lucky you chose us to spend your earthly time with.

Tonight you were quite the popular boy. So many of our friends came by to meet you. So many people love you.

Tonight your daddy also gave you a blessing and named you for our Church. He gave you the most beautiful blessing - He loves you so much.

Both of your grandpas and your uncle Matt stood in the circle to bless you. I know that if you are to be whole, you will be. But if your mortal journey is done then that's okay too.

Toward the end of the photoshoot, Freddie got the hiccups. Something I never got to feel while he was inside of me. I just sat there crying with my hand on his chest amazed that something so tiny could have something as normal as the hiccups and that something so normal could be something I wanted to hold onto forever.

Three generations of Freds

After Freddie's blessing, we had to say goodbye to Fred's family who had to make the 19-hour trek back to Arkansas. It was probably one of the hardest goodbyes. As I sat watching everyone say goodbye to Freddie I couldn't help but sob. Our nurses were great and kept his bed open so that everyone could touch and kiss him. I didn't want to accept that this would be the last time they got to see him in this life. I didn't want to face that when his parents came back in 2 weeks for graduation that we wouldn't still be there. fighting. But I knew we wouldn't be.

Friday

2011-05-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

The next morning - I was wide awake at 6:00 AM and in next to Freddie (PJs, unbrushed teeth, crazy hair and all). I stayed in there until the shift change and then force myself into the shower to be semi presentable. The mood was still the same. There was pity and sadness in everyone's eyes yet hardly anyone would look me in the eyes. I guess I couldn't blame them - I was a wreck. I would pull it together just in time to start sobbing and crying again. Our nurses learned to have a box of tissue on each side of Freddie's bed because I needed them. The other parents of the other babies in his area barely looked at me - again, I couldn't blame them and I wouldn't have wanted to talk to them anyway.

Fred on the other hand was exhausted. Every day the emotional and mental strain had him ready to sleep for days.

We were so lucky to have our families surrounding us. Our parents took care of things we couldn't, got us food when we didn't know it'd been hours since we'd eaten, and hugged us, listened to us, and cried with us. It made such a huge difference to have both of our families there.

Friday was just an all around bad day. Nothing monumental happened with Freddie but it was the knowledge of what we knew that kept us in tears.

We had been told about the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a group of photographers that comes in and takes pictures for parents of a terminal baby at no cost. We had decided we wanted pictures but weren't ready to actually schedule something. If we scheduled something it meant that we had made up our mind and that the end was near. My mom and my sister had gone behind my back and contacted a local photographer that I loved and though she wasn't part of the group, she had volunteered to come do it. My mom had scheduled her to come that night. When she told me this I broke down (in the NICU mind you) - told her I couldn't do it and that we wouldn't do it that night. Thankfullly she was okay with us cancelling last minute.

We battled with the decision and tried to figure out if it was selfish to keep him and hope - because after all everyone was praying for him and aren't prayers answered? My mom reminded me - not all the prayers were to help him heal, but to do God's will and help us be strong.

What if our child was meant to be an example to others in this life while in that state? If we chose the wrong thing - was it because we couldn't handle it? Not because he couldn't?

Friday afternoon, a neurologist came to talk to us to offer a second opinion. Fred had left to go check on school things at the hotel so Fred's mom and sister sat with me as the doctors talked more about outcomes.

When they left, I felt strangely comforted. As though things weren't as bad as they seemed. The neurologist had said that based solely on his brain injury, he would at the very least be completely paralyzed on the left side of his body and would most likely suffer from stiffening (when your arms curl back into your body). He said they couldn't be positive of the mental damage and that he wouldn't walk but that there was a chance (however small it might be) that the left side of his brain would take on the role of speech and he might be able to talk. They said they were having a neuro surgeon look at his scans as well to look for hydrosphylis which causes cerebral palsy. This was all I heard. At the end of the conversation there was that awkward pause again. The one that indicated that a question had been asked and that I needed to provide an answer - but once again I didn't know what was being asked or said. I couldn't give an answer.

When they left, my MIL and SIL looked at me with sad eyes. I told them how I felt like things weren't as bad and that maybe we should go for that tiny glimmer of hope. Both my MIL and SIL shook their heads - unlike me they were able to stay focused and listen to what the doctors were actually saying. What they were actually saying was "this is really bad - your little boy's body is failing and it doesn't look like he's going to make it. If by some miracle your baby does make it - he will be severely handicapped."

oh. that's what they said?

Luckily my MIL was in there because she was able to grasp the question that was being asked. They wanted to know whether or not we wanted them to do everything in their power to save him if things started to crash. They had told us previously that doing chest compressions on him would do more damage than good - so I knew that was something that we didn't want them to do. My biggest concern was that he was to be in no pain or discomfort.

That night, Fred made me leave the hospital to go to dinner with his family. We went somewhere within five miles of the hospital. The minute we sat at our table - I began to have anxiety. My whole body began to sweat, I couldn't stop moving for fear of having a full blown panic attack. What if something happened while we were gone? I wasn't going to eat though I'd ordered something so at one point I thought 'I can't stay here. I'm going to get a taxi or run back to the hospital if I have to'. It was the longest 45 minutes of my life.

I pretty much ran back into the NICU when we got back to the hospital - and then couldn't leave Freddie's side for hours.

We decided that night that we wanted anyone and everyone to meet our little man. Everyone deserved the chance to meet a perfect child and to feel of his presence and God's love. I think if we could have we would have taken him on tour - he was that amazing.

A little video of freddie's toes. Ignore the sobs.

That night, at 11:30 we were back in our parent room (beginning to feel like permanent residents). I was writing in Freddie's journal, Fred was watching tv. There was a knock on the door and there was the neuro surgeon. He and our nurse came in and he preceded to tell us that he'd looked at Freddie's scans and that there weren't any signs of swelling yet but that most likely there would be. He told us all about "chances" and that at the very least Freddie would have developmental issues. What does that mean? He'll read at a 3rd grade level in the 6th grade? Because we can handle that.

Once again, my mind began to wander. I didn't hear anything he was saying. I began thinking things like: why is he wearing a surgical cap? Did he just come from surgery? Why is he here so late? Oh he isn't wearing a ring. Maybe I could set him up with someone?

After he left, Fred looked at me and said, "if I hear the word chance one more time I think I'll punch someone." It was true. After the first meeting with our doctor who had been harsh but realistic, all we had heard from other doctors was that there was a chance for this or a chance for that. We both had wanted to scream. At what cost do we hold out hoping that one of the chances worked out? How long do we put our baby through this just hoping he survives?

We went back in to sit next to Freddie for the next couple hours. Sleep meant nothing to me - it was merely something the nurses and my family told me I needed to have. But what did it matter? Soon I wouldn't be able to sit next to my baby at all.

Thursday.

2011-04-25T09:53:00.001-07:00

It's hard to know where to start for this part of the story. This was one of our hardest days or perhaps the beginning of hard days.

When we called Thursday morning, the nurse told us that Freddie had had a rough night. His potassium levels were high so they had started him on a new medication to get them under control. The worry with high potassium levels is that it can lead to cardiac arrest. After hearing this we kicked it into high gear to pack and get ready for a week stay in Phoenix.

We hurried to the hospital and when we made it to Freddie's bedside the worry was mostly under control. His levels had dropped - and we felt relief again.

Of course there was still plenty to worry about. Our little man required a lot of support to stay at his critical but stable status. He had changed to a different ventilator that constantly stimulated his lungs though he needed almost no additional oxygen. This new ventilator was loud and made his body constantly vibrate - but he liked the stimulation.

That afternoon, they did a head ultrasound. They had found some blood in Freddie's urine and in most cases, with babies if there is blood in the urine its an indication of bleeding in other places in the body. The doctors had done a head ultrasound on Wednesday but it came back inconclusive so they wanted to double check.

Hours went by without so much as a cause or reason to worry in addition to what we were already doing. We were never rushed out or moved to assist our little guy. It was just a "regular" day.

Fred's parents and his sister Mandy and her family arrived from driving straight through from Arkansas. so we spent the day rotating through all of us sitting next to Freddie (only 2 were allowed at the bedside and 1 person had to be parent).

Toward the end of the day, our nurse told us that the doctor wanted to talk to us as soon as she was done with one of her other patients. Still no worry.

We waited next to Freddie and our doctor walked right past us.We were slightly confused but didn't think much. A couple minutes later our nurse came and told us that the doctor wanted to talk to us in her office. Dread immediately hit me. Doctors don't pull you into their office for good news.

We walked with our nurse back to her office where our doctor and social worker also were. Another bad sign. As we sat there, our nurse walked away and came back with a box of tissues - bad sign number 3.

Our doctor showed us the scans from Wednesday. It was easy to see how there could be confusion as to what was actually going on and therefore little to be worried about. She explained that there were indications of possible brain hemmoraging but nothing definite. She told us that bleeds in the brain were classified into 4 stages. Stages 1-2 usually caused little damage but stages 3-4 caused severe damage and even death.

Next she pulled up that day's scans. Immediately we could see the difference. What was an empty space in the ventricals the day before was now completely saturated with blood. The right side of the brain was so full of blood that it was pressing into the left side. It didn't take a medical degree to see the damage. It was devastating. Our doctor pointed out several things and then took us back into the parent room. We sat down and they began telling us about the damage and what it meant for our little boy.

Our perfect, tiny little boy had a stage 4 hemmorage. Because the bleeding was in the brain there was nothing they could do to reverse it, drain it, or make it better faster. They couldn't do anything but let the body drain it on its own. The damage was irreversible and we were told that Freddie had a 95-98% chance of being severely mentally handicapped, would most likely never walk, talk, or do anything for himself, and they told us that he would almost positively have cerebral palsy. And that outcome was ONLY if he was to not have any additional struggles. that was his best case scenario.

They began talking about outcomes, quality of life, DNRs, choices, survival, and a million other things. We couldn't even understand what they were saying. We knew they were asking us something but we couldn't understand the question. We were given a choice. A choice no parent should ever have to make. Would we chose to put our child through months and months of struggle, pain, tests, and hope that he survived - knowing that if he made it through the NICU he would have cerebral palsy and severe disabilities.

Or would we recognize the Lord's plan and allow our child to return home to heaven after completing his short journey here.

We sobbed. This wasn't the way our story was supposed to play out. We were supposed to take home a healthy miracle baby that would beat the odds.

While our doctor was hoping for some kind of decision at that moment, we couldn't give her one. They left us and we continued to cry as we prayed for guidance in what we should do.

We had our families come in and they could immediately tell the news wasn't good. I couldn't look at anyone as they entered the room so my mom immediately rushed to my side and began to cry. We told them what the doctors said and we all cried. We prayed together as a family and both Fred and I received blessings. I can't describe the feeling in the room - there was the complete and utter dispare but at the same time there was this feeling of comfort and peace. Our parents told us they would support our decision - which ever one we made. We were grateful for this but at the same time I didn't feel qualified to make this decision. I felt like a child - not old enough to do anything for myself, let alone make a decision about the life of another.

When we finally composed ourselves, we emerged from the room and went to sit with our son. When I sat next to Freddie, I couldn't keep it together. How could something that looked so perfect on the outside be so broken on the inside? It couldn't be possible. He reacted to our touch, to me tickling his feet, to our voices - how could he have such a massive brain injury?

I remember that I asked our nurse, in broken sobs, what would happen if the bleeding was gone the next day? What if it healed itself? Her answer was - the damage is done. Even when the bleeding stops, the damage has already been done and there is no fixing it. These words broke my heart.

I think we immediately knew what we had to do but we couldn't vocalize it. How do you say those words out loud? We couldn't do it. We prayed the decision would be taken from us because we weren't sure we could actually say goodbye on our own.

Every night at the NICU the nurses swapped from 7-7:30 so we were kicked out. When we went back in after shift change, the entire mood around Freddie had changed. That hope and optimism that had surrounded him over that last couple days was gone. Replacing it was this awkward tension as though all the nurses and staff were staring at us knowing what Freddie's future held. The hope and smiles were gone - instead there were sympathetic looks, avoiding eyes, and hushed whispers.

Our night nurse approached us as we sat at Freddie's incubator and said, "I'm sure you're up to date on the latest and I heard you heard the bad news" (sympathetic smile) This immediately causes me to break into tears (aka sobs) and she walks away.

In my head I was thinking, yes I know some "bad news" but what "bad news" are you talking about? What are the rumors about my son?

That night we had our bishop come out to offer us some kind of guidance. We told him the prognosis, introduced him to Freddie, and he told us that he felt that there was no right decision. He said that the Spirit would guide us to make the right decision and therefore we couldn't make the wrong one. When he left we felt additional comfort and peace - yet the same uneasy feeling that WE had to make this decision.

The hospital then gave us that parent room for the night. We were relieved they allowed us to stay in the parent room. After hearing the news about Freddie I couldn't bear to leave him. I needed to be next to him talking to him, telling him how much we loved him and were proud of him. I needed to be singing his favorite song, Forget You (the Glee version), tickling his feet, and making him hold my hand - even when he didn't want to.

We stayed in the NICU until almost 2:00 that morning when I finally pulled myself away to force to get some ~~sleep~~ rest (insert praise for sleeping pills).

A Blur

2011-04-19T20:02:00.006-07:00

Tuesday
When we got to St. Joseph's, we found our little boy and didn't leave his side. The mood around Freddie was extremely positive. We kept hearing things like "it'll be a long, tough road but he'll make it - and so will you" and "Take pictures every day because when you take him home you'll be amazed at where this little man started".

We were overwhelmed and worried but felt nothing but optimism.

Freddie was extremely active when we were with him. He was punching and kicking non-stop - movements I recognized. Movements that I should have been feeling...not seeing. He had these huge feet and extra long skinny fingers.

The nurses were incredibly supportive. The staff took us into a parent room and told us it was ours for the night. We sat in there trying to gain some footing as to what the next four months of our lives would be like.

We sat on the bed in complete and utter exhaustion. We had someone from the March of Dimes come talk to us and left us with even more hope about how great our little man was and how we would fight this battle until we took home our baby boy.

At around 11pm, my parents walked through the door. We took them back to meet little Freddie, at about 1am it was decided that there was no way I was going to get any sleep in that room and it was best just to drive the 40 minutes home.

Wednesday
The next morning, we woke up tried to take care of a little business like making sure my work projects were handed off, that little Freddie was listed on our insurance, and that Fred was covered with school and work. Fred's mom called to say they were leaving soon and would be there the following afternoon.

We packed up some snacks, clothes, and journals to head right back out to the hospital.

Freddie had had a rough night but we still felt like there was nothing to be worried about. He was critical but stable. He needed help to breathe but didn't need much oxygen. His blood pressure was really low so every time they took blood for tests they had to give him a transfusion (approx. 6 cc's) and he needed the assistance of 3 different blood pressure meds. He was being pumped with all sorts of medications that he looked pink, healthy, and plump.

Because of his traumatic birth experience, he was extremely bruised and battered so he was under the billirubin lights to decrease his bruising.

We took all of this in stride because again, there was this optimism surrounding him from us, his doctors, and his nurses.

We met with a social worker as well. We were told that we may qualify for the Ronald McDonald House and be able to spend some time there instead of commuting the 40 minutes each way - every day. Our social worker was nice, but cold. She was very matter-of-fact, to the point, and lacked any degree of compassion. When we first met her, she approached us in a way that was like "well? what do you need me for?" to which our answer would have been "um. we have no idea. We've never done this before - what do we need to be doing?"

Her gold star moment was that she was able to get us a room at the extended stay hotel (directly behind the hospital) for a week from a private donor. After the week expired, she would see about renewing it or look into the Ronald McDonald House. We would have to spend the night at home again but then we would have the room starting the next day. This was a huge relief as driving back and forth to our house was going to get expensive and time consuming. Not to mention that if something went wrong during a time we weren't there, it would take us at least 40 minutes to get to the hospital.

We sat next to him pretty much the rest of the day - taking turns only to rotate the 2 allowed back there. We left the hospital only to eat dinner and then to finally head home at the end of the night.

The Beginning

2011-04-17T07:15:00.001-07:00

Over the last couple of months, before Freddie came to Earth I'd been having weird thoughts and feelings regarding having a baby. For some reason, whenever I talked about it with my friends or with family, I could never fully picture me with this baby and I kept receiving promptings that this pregnancy wasn't going to go as I'd planned and I needed to be prepared for that. Of course, I brushed off any and all of those thoughts telling myself I was crazy and was making up thoughts like that. I'd never even told Fred this until we were in the midst of the only week we would have with our perfect baby boy in this life. Looking back I know I was being prepared by the Spirit and that I've known something was going to happen - I just didn't know what.

My pregnancy was perfect. There I said it. I was never sick. never tired. I felt great and I even felt cute. I had little to complain about and therefore little to worry about. Monday, April 4th was like any other day. I worked and chatted with friends about finalizing baby shower lists and dates, girls trips, and an upcoming Utah trip. That night, I began having some weird stomach cramping and Freddie wasn't moving as much as he usually did. I was of course nervous but tried not to think about it because I just knew I was being paranoid. The cramping began to get painful and continued all night but I still tried to brush it off thinking that this was all normal pregnancy stuff and it was finally my turn to have something to complain about. Around 3:30 AM the cramping was accompanied by bleeding and that's when I decided we needed to go to the hospital just in case.

On the way to the hospital, I talked/cried to the OB on call at my office (someone I'd never met or heard of). She wasn't worried about the symptoms but agreed that I needed to go. Fred thought we should go to the Mercy Gilbert Hospital which is about 10 minutes from where we live. I said no, the Chandler Hospital was within 3 minutes and since they were going to give me some medicine and send me home it didn't matter where we went.

When we checked in at labor and delivery, they did a couple quick tests, hooked me up to a fetal heart rate monitor, and then ordered an ultrasound. I continued to have cramping which was getting more and more painful. The triage nurse commented that it looked like I could be having some minor contractions but nothing consistent. She checked on the bleeding and then left us alone.

During the ultrasound, the technician wasn't worried. She told us that Freddie's heart rate was fine and the placenta was fine as well. I continued to have cramping so she asked if I had received anything for the pain yet and said that hopefully they would be getting me something soon. As she left, I began to cramp again and the nurse came in to lower my bed to help relieve some of the pain. Moments later, three nurses surrounded my bed and were telling me that they were taking me into a room.

As they wheeled me into a room, I kept thinking "why are they taking me into a room? I just need some medicine and an order to be on bed rest and then send me home!!!"

When we got into my room, they had me move beds. When I sat up the room was a beehive of activity - there were nurses moving very quickly organizing equipment, an incubator, and a million other things. We had no idea what was happening. Poor Fred just had to stand in a corner to stay out of the way yet no one would say what was happening. One minute they weren't talking to us just buzzing around us and the next I had an IV and a nurse was in my face asking me what we wanted to do if our baby came out and wasn't breathing.

What do you mean if our baby came out? I'm only 23 weeks pregnant and I just need to be sent home.

Of course Fred and I said we wanted to save our baby but how was it possible that I was in labor?

The nurses tried to help me breath through the cramping which I was told were actually contractions - something that hadn't crossed my mind because I 1. had never been in labor and 2. was only 23 weeks pregnant so this wasn't a possibility.

At this point, I begin to panic and yet I'm still contracting and it's getting more and more painful. I uncalmly ask for something for the pain - something to stop the contracting - anything and am told that there is nothing they can give me because I am dilated to a 10 and anything they gave me would mostly effect the baby at that point which would do more harm than good.

WAIT. DILATED TO A 10??

They told me that I was having this baby and all they were waiting for was the neonatologist and my doctor and then we would begin.

It was probably about 6am at this point. I tell Fred that I want a blessing before this happens - he immediately gets on the phone and tells me that two of our friends are on their way.

The Neonatologist and OB get there and immediately begin prepping. The nurse pops back into my face to tell me all about the risks and outcomes with having a 23 week old baby and does an excellent job of scaring us.

My contractions are strengthening and when my doctor is all suited up she tells me that she's going to break my water. As she's reaching for the hook, my water breaks. She tells me that during my next contraction I need to push. At this point my contractions are about every 45 seconds, after she says this everything stopped.

I didn't have a contraction for another 3 minutes. It was the longest, scariest, most restful period. Then another one came and out came Freddie. This is a bit gross- but he literally shot out. The doctor barely caught him and actually kind of fumbled him in the process.

He was born at 6:22 AM.

They wisked him away and once they got him breathing and somewhat stabilized, Fred was able to go over and look at his tiny newborn son. On their way out they stopped and showed me this tiny little person. I couldn't see much of him and they literally only paused on their way to the NICU.

They finished taking care of me and cleared out. I felt fine. Like nothing had ever happened.

Our friends called Fred because they had just gotten there to give me a blessing - he went out to speak to them and I just sat staring at the now empty room - wondering how this could have happened and when I was going to wake up. Finally a nurse comes to ask if they've fed me. nope. So they get my order and leave to find me a breakfast tray. Fred comes back in and then a new nurse comes in to say she's replacing whoever my previous nurse was and would be taking care of me. She was great (and will get her own post). She knew of our worries and told us that they were working on stabilizing little Freddie and that as soon as they did he would be moved to St. Joseph's hospital in Phoenix that had more experience with babies his size. She told us that before they life flighted him she would make sure we got to see him.

Our first family picture

We were so blessed that our friends lived just as close to the hospital because they were able to come back and give both me and little Freddie a blessing. As soon as they finished my blessing, my nurse came in and told us we could see our baby. We all went down to the NICU and there he was. This tiny, 1 pound 6 ounce, 11 inch baby boy. He was perfect.

While in the NICU, our friends Curtis & Craig were able to bless Freddie. It was one of the most tender experiences I've ever witnessed. Freddie was in an incubator and Curtis was only able to get one finger on his tiny head. Despite the rush of motion in the NICU, there was a peace that was evident as Curtis blessed Freddie.

While the Helicopter crew came to prepare Freddie for flight, one of the NICU nurses came up to me and put her arm around me and offered a prayer. The staff there was very sweet and supportive. They told us countless stories of babies his size beating the odds and making it.

Don't be alarmed. The plastic was to keep his tiny body warm and add humidity

Ready for his flight

Freddie was then life flighted to St. Joseph's and we were sent back up to a new room. We spent a few hours there (wondering why we were at a hospital. I felt great) and then they discharged me. In total, we were in the hospital for less than ten hours. What I would later call a drive by birthing. They didn't have a chart for me - we weren't served any food - and all of the expectations I had about birth were blown.

This is everything we brought to the hospital.
My purse & a book.

Where was my crushed ice and free hospital mug? (this may actually be the things I was most concerned with - in regards to my hospital stay that is)

Freddie

2011-04-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

Fred Joseph Wald VI was born 17 weeks early on April 5th.
He was on a special mission from heaven and needed only to receive his mortal body. While in our arms on April 12th, he returned home to his Heavenly Father. He is one of God's most precious angels and we are so lucky he chose us as his Earthly parents.

We know he is with us and that we will see him again.

This is by far the hardest thing we have ever gone through. One of my nurses told me that it was therapeutic to tell the story and that the more I talked about little Freddie and our brief time together on Earth - the more I would heal. I've decided to document Freddie's journey in hopes that it will not only help me heal in a small way but give us a place to remember our incredible experiences, heartaches, and tender mercies from the Lord.

Today.

2011-03-27T20:43:00.003-07:00

Days like today make me wish I lived close to family.

Fred has been doing a certification all weekend and after he finished this morning, he had to head to work until 7. Which meant that for me - when church was out at noon...I was on my own.

Normally - I love this time to myself. I love being able to watch my shows, do the laundry, or go sit by the pool for a bit but today not so much. I found myself lonely. No one to play with and no where to ride my bike to.

I found myself wishing and wanting to be able to plop myself on my mom or sister's couch and talk to family and nephews, to tease Easton about giving me a "Christmas Snuggle" (to which the answer is always NO!), or just enjoy a Sunday dinner with family.

Instead I watched a million episodes of Grey's Anatomy (season 2), made jello (with homemade whipped cream from the Our Best Bites Cookbook), and texted Fred about coming home to entertain me.

Poor. Pitiful. Chana.

On my mind...

2011-03-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

a lot of things are consuming my mind these days. It's a big giant jumbled mess of sentence fragments. half ideas. and random thoughts.

Here are a few of the things I can't get OFF my mind:

The Zoku Popsicle maker

I haven't had any weird cravings thus far in the pregnancy but one thing that is constant is my need for frozen treats. Popsicles, frostys, Otter Pops, etc - oh I'm drooling just thinking about it. This popsicle maker sounds like it would make all my dreams come true - in like 10 minutes.

The Babyletto Mercer Crib

Why can't I get enough of this crib? And why do I have to have such expensive taste? We went from most likely getting a hand-me-down crib to probably going to buy one and of course I love this one. We won't be buying anything for a couple more months so I'm hoping I'll hate it by then. *fingers crossed*

Mykonos, Greece

This was one of the stops on my European tour the summer after I graduated college and I am dying to go back. I crave the gorgeous water, white washed buildings, and beautiful scenery.
Note to Fred: take me there. Any time in the next couple years is fine with me. Yes they have golf.

Just over a month until Fred graduates!!

We're so close to being done!! Fred is beyond excited to get into the golf industry full-time and I'm excited to be DONE with school!! He'll still go through the PGA program - but hey it isn't the same! With this one also comes the question of - what next? Where should we go?
Cross your fingers we can find a great job, great pay, and will live happily ever after.

What's on your mind?

2011-03-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

Wow. I am completely overwhelmed and touched by the outpouring of love and support from all of you.

Thank you!

My pregnancy has been a breeze so far but it seems that after Friday, my hormones decided that since I was just about 5 months pregnant it was high time to elevate and make me an even bigger bawl baby. Let's just say it's been an emotional weekend where anything and everything involved with a little boy makes me tear up.

I will try to not turn this blog into a blog solely about my pregnancy or solely about little Freddie but know you'll have to suffer through some of it.

Here are some of his 19-week shots:

this one is my favorite

Happy Day

2011-03-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

We couldn't be more excited!

Baby Wald arriving July 2011

The Desert

2011-03-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

Today I'm sick of living in a desert. I'm sick of the dust. everywhere.

I'm trying to go through my closet to box, donate, and dejunk and everything is dirty/dusty. Everything.

My shoes that haven't been worn in awhile are dusty - dusty!!
The tops of my hangers? Dusty.

Clothing that hasn't been worn in the last while - shoulders are dusty.

Dresser in my closet - dusty.

It's a joke.

It's the same all over my house. I dust and vaccum regularly and still...dust.

I can dust on a Saturday and by Monday I have a thin layer of dust on my coffee/end tables. I've never been more annoyed.

What is the solution?

Toot Toot

2011-02-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

okay so I'm not one to toot my own horn (most of the time), but I think I outdid myself this year on Valentines.

Here's the back story - we kind of sort of suck at Valentines. Our first Valentines together was a joke, #2 I can't even remember, and last year was spent with friends eating pizza and attending a movie. We tend to have a great night but hellsbells there is nothing romantic about Valentines at our house.

This year, I found out I had to go to work for some meetings and would be gone for V-day. When I told Fred he said, "Seriously? Maybe we should just cancel Valentines Day forever?" I kind of agreed.

So off I went for a week of ~~family and friends~~ work. I spent Valentines as the 5th wheel with some of our best friends the Brady's and the Hunger's. Fred golfed and uh, hung out by himself. poor him.

While in Logan, it's required that I eat at El Toro, our favorite mexican place. I drug my little sis and honorary little sister Laura and her hubby there too. Fred is always really sad about this because he all-time favorite dish, the loco burrito, is served here.

However, being the cool wife I am...I brought him home one. I purchased some tupperware, froze his meal, and packed it in my bag - and luckily it was still frozen when I got home a million hours later.

He was pretty excited and kept telling me how I was the best wife in the world and how he was the luckiest man alive (okay maybe I said those things - but he nodded).

We've set some low Valentines standards here at our house but that's what makes me so awesome this year.

The 2011 Phx Open

2011-02-09T12:00:00.004-07:00

If you would have told the 15-year old me that in 10 years I would be not only married to a golf fanatic- but I would in fact be turning into one myself I would have laughed in your face and said, "psh. What-EVER". insert appropriate W hand gesture.

One of my greatest friend's growing up belonged to such a family. Her grandpa was a famous Golfer and her dad was in the biz as well. I remember being/living at their house and golf was always on. She and I would beg, plead, and whine until we were able to watch something we wanted to watch (in most cases that never happened). During those years, I remember promising myself that I would never marry someone who liked golf so much because it was sooo boring.

That must have been when I sealed my fate.

fast forward those 10 years and here I am married to an almost-graduated golf management dude and I'm the one talking about golfers like I know them personally. Super Bowl? who cares! Phoenix Open? Yes please!!

This last weekend, I made sure Fred was taking me to the Phoenix Open because I had to see some of my favorites in action like I did last year. I was soo excited! Sadly, Camilo hurt his back and dropped out of the competition earlier that week. sniff sniff.

How the 15-year-old version of myself would have never volunteered to go to a golf tournament and would have cringed at the sight of me getting annoyed with all the frat/sorority people that were only there for the party - shouldn't they be there because they love the game and the players like we do?

On Sunday, Fred had the opportunity to work on the driving range where all of the golfers warmed up. He was the best husband by making sure he took and sent me pictures of my boyfriend (#2 to Camilo) Rickie Fowler as he warmed up less than 20 feet from Fred. Same with ol' Phil.

Rickie

Phil

He got to rub elbows with some of the pros and even talked to one of the tournament's top golfers (I don't remember who) for 45 minutes getting advice on the industry and talking to him about where/what Fred wanted to do. Professional advice for free.ninety-nine!

oh how we love the Phx Open...

sometimes

2011-02-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

I suck at life. No really.

For instance, before Christmas I was trying to do all my packing and I put in a load of laundry - only to remember that load this morning. This happens every. single. time. I always wash at least one batch twice because I forget about it until it's sour and smelly. (side note & hypothetical situation: say I did this to a bunch of towels. say more than once. say that these towels maintained a bit of the funk factor even after dozens of washes where the operator obediently put them into the dryer minutes after the washing stopped. How does one remove that last bit of funk?)

Or when we went to the Mesa Temple lights with our friends the Rykerts who were visiting from Utah. I did a great job of remembering the camera (something I always forget) but somehow I forgot the memory card. We got a total of 4 pictures. Go Me!

I am also the queen of good intentions - like buying produce to eat all healthy-like. it always goes bad. If you looked in my fridge and kitchen right now you would find bad clementines, peppers, basil, tomatoes, broccoli, and the list goes on. How can I get myself to not 'save for the perfect dish' but use them before I just end up throwing them away!!?

I have tons of additional examples but can't think of them...

Am I alone is sucking at this kind of stuff?

Lying

2011-01-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

I think it's safe to say that we're all opposed to lying, right? I mean, honesty really is the best policy...in most cases.

But sometimes it's okay to lie.

Here are some of those cases:

on your driver's license: yeah I really do weigh 115lbs or did at one point...and uh I'm "close"
at someone's good news that honestly is quite boring to you Oh my gosh...so excited!! yawn...
When a friend shows up to something and asks if she looks okay - it's too late so the answer is yes

Here are some cases when it's okay for your husband to lie to you:

instead of saying "oh wow. you were kind of a geek in HS weren't you?" you could say, "awe...you were...cute" and move on.
instead of telling your beautiful wife that her breath smells like death - maybe suggest an otter pop or piece of gum
instead of saying, "really? you're going to wear that?" in response to a CUTE outfit - just smile and say "you look cute" or "I love when you wear ______"
instead of calling your wife a wolverine due to lack of eyebrow waxage - maybe make her a spa appointment without telling the spa staff that your wife needs some major help

What situations did I miss??

Remote Rights

2011-01-16T17:30:00.002-07:00

So we got rid of DirectTV for awhile because well...we love us some tv. Has much changed? nope. Netflix consumes our lives.

Fred is king of the remote because shows like Veronica Mars, the OC, and anything with Reese Witherspoon are below his standards of tv.

After the last few days I'm about to revoke that crown though. The last two nights he has picked the worst movies (his history in picking movies was somewhat flawed before this as well - underworld anyone? I'd prefer to be beaten).

What were they?
**warning - I may offend some of you bad movie lovers. Fred said if I mentioned these movies online I would be risking a beat down from strangers for insulting some of the best movies of all time. I told him I would take the chance. But please have mercy on my soul - I'm already praying for yours.

A River Runs Through It

and

Time Bandits

are you kidding me?

1. A River Runs Through it made me hope for the death of all the characters - it was the slowest, most painstaking movie of my life. Yeah sure Brad Pitt is in it and he's the only reason you keep watching (cough-in hopes he looses a shirt at some point maybe - spoiler: he doesn't)Then it ends with an old guy all by himself talking about being alone - awesome, let's get this girl bawling partly because I don't do well with death of older people but because I wasted hours of my life watching that stupid movie.

2. Time Bandits? Fred insisted it was a good movie - I should have left the room after the first 5 minutes. But I stayed and watched for at least an hour before I decided I would rather go to bed at 9:30 than watch the rest of this old-school movie. No, I have nothing against old school but I do have something against a floating head and horrible acting from little people. The only upside in this movie - Sean Connery. Sorry Fred - this movie was not funny. You didn't even laugh.

I think I should get some revenge and make him sit through some of my old favorites that I know he would hate.

Up first would be Crossroads

What do you think?

Christmas Part-Dos

2011-01-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

We completed the first leg of our Christmas vacation in Utah and then had a long day of travel due to crazy weather conditions in Utah but made it safe and sound to the dirty dirty. We spent a week soaking up family time, southern accents (I came home with one), and our favorite Arkansas food.

We danced our butts off on New Years with the Just Dance and Michael Jackson Wii games - which I would like to proudly announce I literally scored the same as a six year old if not worse - every time. But I'll have you know I hit every freaking move - the controls just didn't work right when I had them. We also spent a lot of time playing the card game golf every day (thanks dad for teaching us while we were in Utah).

It was really fun to just hang out with Fred's family for a week. We loved it!

Oh and we were horrible about taking pictures. Believe it or not - this is pretty much the only picture I took while I was there

But really - doesn't it fit the whole dirty dirty theme perfectly?

Happy Holidays!

2011-01-03T11:38:00.000-07:00

We've been travelling, playing, being sick, shovelling snow, opening presents, laughing, eating, chatting, and having a blast this holiday - but sadly I left my camera cord home so please excuse the lack of posts and pictures until we get home this weekend.

I'll get all caught up then and back date posts like crazy so it's like I never missed a beat!

Hope you've had an amazing holiday like we have!!

minus Fred - who claims this is the worst Christmas to date (not totally but parts because of his back and being sick - stories to come)

Resolutions

2011-01-03T09:42:00.007-07:00

Every year we all make resolutions - whether we say we're going to or not - we do. I'm no different.

Because you're all dying to know what mine are...here you go!

be healthy - eat out less. cook more.
drink 64 oz water a day - this will be a struggle but I'm going to do it (starting...tomorrow)
exercise more
be a better friend, sibling, & wife
judge people less so I can love them more
explore my surroundings
be good. at something.
FINISH the Book of Mormon

How are your goals going so far?

The 2010 Wrap-up

2011-01-01T09:49:00.040-07:00

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
learned to live away from everything and everyone I'm use to in another state

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember them from last year! but hopefully I'll keep and remember my 2011 goals

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
we got a new neice, a new nephew, and a handful of new babies through our friends

Baby Isaac

4. Did anyone close to you die?
2010 was a crappy year - my favorite woman in the world, my grandma, passed away in June and then my Aunt passed in September.

5. What countries did you visit?
just the US of A - but what a great county it is!

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
better budgetting skills, stronger personal drive, and the ability to say no to cute clothes while working retail

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Nov 29 because it was a good day!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
how embarrassing - finally making AZ feel like home.

9. What was your biggest failure?
taking so long to make Arizona feel like home...

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Fred did - this Christmas was his worst to date - only because threw his back out and was sicksicksick for days

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My first pair of Toms or Fred's school tuition...it is a toss up really.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Fred getting the gold as a VOLUNTEER with the Special Olympics

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Celebs and the cast/writers of Glee

14. Where did most of your money go?
BILLS - how sad

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
June in Utah, Erin coming home from the mish, gorgeous Winter Arizona weather, riding Sunny to the Library, spending the holidays with BOTH families, vacations with friends, and new babies

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Teenage Dream by Katy Perry because it's Fred's "jam"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
- happier or sadder? happier...much happier
- richer or poorer? poorer to the 10th power
- thinner or fatter? both unfortunately

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
exercised, socialized, crafted, soaked up the sun, explored

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
watching tv, being a hermit

20. How did you spend the holidays?
with both families - it was the best

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
oh yes - with Toms, otter pops, local festivals, BBQ, and gelato

22. What was your favorite TV program?
90210, Grey's, FNL, Bones, Jerseylicious (shhhh)

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nah, same old same old :)

24. What was the best book you read?
the Help, The Hunger games series

25. What was your favorite film of this year?
How to Train Your Dragon? Grown ups? NOT Inception though.

26. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Pajama chic

27. Whom did you miss?
all of our Utah friends!

28. Who was the best new person you met?
couldn't name just one - I became friends with some great people in Arizona - people that are directly related to my happiness there. I love my AZ friends!

29. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010
Whether or not your happy depends on you - change your attitude and you'll change your level of happiness.
When you judge people you don't have time to love them - Mother Theresa

White Christmas

2010-12-29T15:37:00.012-07:00

We headed to Utah for part 1 of the holidays this year. I went back a littler earlier than Fred because he got a new job and decided to stay and work some. Utah was just grand. I gained close to 5lbs because at the Taylor house grazing in the kitchen is like breathing. Luckily there weren't peanut butter bars - because my weight gain would have tripled. The Weather was amazing - snowing like crazy which is amazing until you have to shovel it. more than once in a day - and my parent's own a 4-plex so we got to do loooots of shoveling. (thank you for the invention of 4-wheelers, coats, gloves, and plows)

Erin in the snow

Fred stayed back in AZ for a few extra days so that he could work and make the big bucks so we'd have some spending money for the Holidays - so guess who threw out his back and hasn't been able to work at all? yep. that guy. He's was stuck on the couch at home alone icing and heating his own back while watching 303 episodes of Bones. So much for making the big bucks - but at least he was okay and fairly healed up by the time he got to Utah.

Then on top of him throwing out his back, he and I both came down with some kind of 24-hour bug (24 hours for me...40 hours for him). It was miserable - we stayed on the couches for an entire day unable to eat or move. it wasn't his favorite Christmas for that reason.

Other than the sickness and the back issues we had an amazing time. It really made me never want to return to Arizona - I'm crazy like that.

Instead of giving you a play-by-play here are some of the few pictures I got (I took lots on my sister's camera...but whoops never got copies).

Acting out the Christmas Story - there were more kids at the beginning but they were bored before we even started.
Wardrobe courtesy of my mother's amazing, endless closet's

My valiant mule
I put a lot of miles on this old girl getting to Bethlehem

waiting for Christmas jammies from Grandma

Thanks fam for a great Christmas!

Say What?

2010-12-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

Wow. Who still has a post about Thanksgiving up with a Christmas background? Hmmm. Looks like I'm that person.

Things are just chugging along here in Arizona. It's been hotter than hades the last few days - which really isn't that hot (75-80) but in December it feels like 115. Especially when you've vowed to NOT turn your A/C back on so you sweat it out as long as possible without fainting from heat exhaustion. I finally caved though and turned it on (mostly because we had house guests and well...I didn't want to be that host)

We're gearing up for Christmas vacation - a much needed, much deserved vacation with both families. We'll be hitting my mom's house for Christmas and then heading to the dirty dirty for New Years.

What are your holiday plans?

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T11:44:00.000-07:00

Every year I "admire" those that do a handful of thankful posts yet can't bring myself to do them. However, I would feel incredibly ungrateful if I didn't give thanks for all of my blessings in life.

Here is my 2010 gratitude list (and I know I'm not covering everything):

for Fred. for making me laugh. for working so hard. for going to a job he hates just to bring home a little chunk of bacon. and for loving me no matter how crazy I am at times.
for family. Moving away from family has been really good but is sometimes hard. It's been a huge blessing though. Both of our families are incredibly supportive and we've loved seeing them when they've visited. We miss them all and wish everyone could all live close. I've been lucky enough to have a job that pays for me to visit Utah every now and again. When I'm home I see who I can and then pretty much don't leave my mom or my sister's side for the rest of the time. We can hardly wait for Christmas when we get to see BOTH families.
for old friends. When we left Logan, we left some of the best people we've ever known. Our friends there and in Salt Lake were one of the hardest things to leave. I'm grateful that we all still talk and get together. I'm grateful that I'm able to see them when I'm in Logan for work and that it's like we still live down the road. (not to mention my besties from HS and College - I'm so glad I talk to some of you daily and that we still get together)
for new friends. It took me a good nine months to feel like AZ was home. We were incredibly blessed to find friends right off that bat. I can honestly say that my happiness in this state was truly impacted by my wonderful friends here.
for jobs. I'm grateful my job allowed me to pick up and move to another state without skipping a beat. I'm grateful that they bring back to Utah every now and again and are nice enough to fly me in early so I can see my family. I'm grateful that after almost a year, Fred was able to get a job for one of the best golf course companies in the country. I'm grateful for the opportunities it'll bring in the future.
for technology. from planes to texting to facebook to modern medicine. I'm grateful to have access to it all. I'm grateful to be able to communicate with family and friends through the day.
For the Church. I think I took the Church for granted in Utah a little. In Arizona, it was the first place we located. I'm grateful for the crazy teenagers that we teach each Sunday and for the friends I have there. I'm grateful for my testimony and for Temples. I'm so grateful to know I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
for books. I'm grateful for my love of reading and books. though a novel a day is a little overboard at times.
for you readers. It's lame but we're all driven by blog comments - I'm grateful for you who check in, laugh at my posts and probably roll your eyes at others. Thanks for coming back time after time.

Hope you're spending Thanksgiving with those you love.

Happy Turkey Day!!

A peek inside the lives

2010-11-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have been wondering what it's like being married to a 2-TIME Olympic GOLD medalist. well let me tell you - because I know from experience.

people watch us constantly - we've even had people smile in our direction. You would think that with this new celebrity status that we would be able to take full advantage of the sponsors and free trips that people have offered us - but no. We're not like that. My gold medalist is humble and likes to just blend back into the crowd and keep his status as a poor student.

We believe in still living like everyone else - we put our pants on 1 leg at a time. We use coupons at the grocery store. We hang out with friends and veg out on the couch because we can. Fred isn't a snooty gold medalist. Suuure he has 2 chunks of gold hanging from around his neck at all times. but who wouldn't. It's GOLD, baby.

Sometimes it's hard to be a 2-time olympic gold medalist's wife because people just expect me to be amazing all the time. which is definitely not out of the ordinary for me - obviously - but ya know sometimes I just want to be "normal" again. But I guess my life will never be that way again because he'll probably be adding more gold medals in the future - this is our life now - famous...famous...famous.

I smell gold

2010-11-08T09:27:00.000-07:00

Fred has been volunteering for the Special Olympics for the last couple of months. Every week he goes out with his buddy Mike to practice, trash talk, and play some golf.

Saturday, October 30th, Fred and Mike competed in a Special Olympics tournament and won GOLD!
(please note: I clarified and no, not everyone gets a gold medal - it's earned!)

Next weekend they'll compete in the State Championship where I'm smelling another GOLD! I'm really sad because I have to miss it since I'll be in the 801 for work but I know they'll do awesome!

A Fun Fact

2010-11-04T15:30:00.000-07:00

Here's a fun fact about me - I hate fish. Hate really is too nice of a word for the way I feel about fish. I hate the smell, the texture, the taste, the everything else about them.

oh but Chana you have to try thisandthis fish - it isn't fishy at all!!
B.S. it's a fish therefore it's fishy - and no amount of your coaxing and lies will get me to believe the words coming out of your mouth.

But guess who tried sushi over the weekend and didn't die?

This girl.

and guess who might actually admit that it was okay and possibly borderline good? yep. me again.

looks like I'll eat just about anything if its fried and contains cream cheese (oh hello inner fat girl!)

I tried a vegas roll? and took a bite of a few others just because I'm tough like that.

This bravery was rewarded by gelato as all bravery should be.

oh and I learned how to use chop sticks - it took awhile and I've already forgotten but boy was it funny - I'm the opposite of coordinated. in every way.

Guess Who...

2010-11-01T15:19:00.000-07:00

Guess who got a dog recently?
            Our neighbor.

Guess what kind?
            a yappy one.

Guess who barked from 2:30pm to midnight SATURDAY and then again from 4am - 11am  (at least that's when we left for church) on SUNDAY?
             that $%#@ dog.

Guess who didn't answer the door when Fred banged on the door at 5:30am?
             the neighbor.

Guess who left the poor dog alone - locked in the kitchen for the weekend?
             the neighbor.

Guess who could only find 1 pair of ear plugs but was nice enough to give me half?
             Fred.

Guess who was forced to sleep with one ear plugged and one ear pressed in a pillow?
             Us.

Guess who would have taken the dog if there weren't laws against breaking and entering?
             Us.

Guess who now has a formal complaint about them and their dog at the management office?
             the neighbor.

We were ticked about the barking but after figuring out that the poor dog was locked in the kitchen alone for such a long period of time we were more angry at the neighbor. That poor pup - I'd be crying too.

Public Apology

2010-10-15T08:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Fred,

I'm really sorry about last night - but you had to know there was no way I was going to be able to sleep with a cockroach on the loose in our room.

I'm sorry I turned on all the lights after you'd been asleep for a couple of hours and that you got mad because you had to get up reeeaaally early to go play golf.

I'm sorry I didn't scream quietly when I finally found the huge cockroach in a dirty shirt and then went on to kill it loudly like in a horror movie. I just had to make sure it was dead - it was my first cockroach murder - and I swear someone once told me that they are really hard to kill, so it was necessary for me to kill it with your church shoe...hitting it repeatedly...then stand on the shoe and jump, then squeal as I moved the shoe and picked it up with toilet paper - because I wasn't sure if the jumping actually killed it. (note: it did)

I'm sorry that after I was done you couldn't fall back into dreamland and had to go watch tv for who knows how long...

and I didn't know you were leaving at 5:15 this morning. that is early. it makes me feel even worse.

If it's an consolation...I slept pretty good.

Don't be mad okay?

love-
your wifey

Happy Weekend

2010-10-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

This weekend we will be enjoying the gorgeous fall scenery much like this:

We'll probably have to bundle up and drink hot chocolate just to stay warm. But I can't wait!!

Wait.

Where do I live? Oh. yeah. We won't be doing any of that because Fall looks like this around these parts:

dead and deserty.

sigh.

At least I have Winter in Arizona to look forward to.

for those of you enjoying the cooler temps...

and layers...

and pumpkin patches...

and hot coco...

enjoy some for me.

Big Sky Country

2010-10-06T17:27:00.001-07:00

last weekend's getaway was a little surprise for Fred. I booked the tickets about a month ago and then didn't tell him anything until about 5 days before. With his school schedule it finally came down to me having to tell him something so that I could make sure he came home when he needed to so we could make our flight.

He had no idea where we were going until we got to the airport. It was soo hard to keep my mouth shut.

Instead of giving you a play-by-play I'll just tell you it was a blast and we are lucky to have such good friends who pamper us, let us stay at their house, and use their stuff! Love you John and Amber!

Mmmm Burrito

Who just picks up a building and moves it across the street? They do - and they have some pretty yummy food too!

The biggest steak I have ever seen - 32 oz

If Amber didn't look so cute I wouldn't post this gross picture of me...

will I ever learn to not make nasty faces?

Fred and Chris (a friend from the mish)

I'm sorry I judged you Montana. I should never have let Lima ruin your good name. You are BEAUTIFUL (for the most part...part of you looks like the butt of Utah though) - and made me remember that Fall is my favorite season - something I forget in the AZ sun.

Getaway

2010-10-01T11:06:00.004-07:00

We ran away to Montana for the weekend

Maybe we'll come back.

Maybe we won't.

Pointers for your pointers

2010-09-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

In order to make a bra fitting uber awkward follow the fool-proof steps developed and tested by yours truly:

eat taco soup for 2 days prior to your fitting
Wear leggings. the ones that give you a muffin top
when you get to the room, make a comment about not knowing what to do because it's only your 2nd time
Opt to not wear your white "undershirt" so that there isn't any additional awkwardness
make a comment about selecting the wrong pants to wear for a bra fitting
when the girl helps you out of your bra (this will be awkward on it's own) try to not turn and face her while your completely topless
when she assists in putting on the fitting bra that is mostly transparent - don't double check the location of your headlights - surprise peeks are totally acceptable
tell management to leave the AC on - it's fine in a transparent bra
when she's out pulling new bras, adjust your leggings. pulling them up to minimize your muffin top but giving you a front and back wedgie - it's hot
also because the fitting bra is different than any bra you've ever worn keep poking and feeling yourself without realizing it - keep doing this after she's returned to the room
after finding the bra you love, tell her to tell you how amazing your boobs look
go to work and say to coworkers (only women) (and ones that recently had a boob job) "oh my gosh - look at my boobs! Don't they look amazing?"

And they do. What a difference a good bra and the right size makes!!

Last Day

2010-09-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day at job #2. It's a little bittersweet. I don't feel like its my last day (plus I might go back during holiday) but then I think in terms of discount and then I begin to panic and think of all the things I "need" that really...I don't need but MUST have so I can have 20% off of them. (and really - 20% isn't that much when you think of it)

I really like working there and if I didn't already have a full-time job (and didn't like weekends and holidays to do as I pleased) then I would stay. Some of my favorite moments have included:

seeing a girl go from zero confidence to 100% confidence because of an outfit I picked out for her
being the neutral party when school shopping so moms and daughters still love each other at the end
having regular customers that hug me when they come in and wait until I'm available to shop

self: you don't need to stock up on things that you will need sometime down the road. Besides you don't have the money to go crazy and really - isn't that one of the reasons we're saying goodbye to this place? Though a new bra isn't negotiable. When the husband begins to publicly make fun of the 1 you have...it's time.

I'm so excited to have nights and weekends to myself again. I finally feel settled and comfortable so that I will actually get out and do things with my friends instead of going crazy in my house like I was last Winter. I'm excited for book club, crafting, reading, girls trips, and working out again.

Bring on the tighter budget (for which I'm starting the Dave Ramsey class again) and the freedom!!

Lookie Here

2010-09-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

I FINALLY got a copy of Mockingjay from the happiest place on earth (the public library).

I'm doing everything in my power to not read it until:

I've finished my current read: The Great Gatsby
which I felt like I had to read because it's one of the best books of all time - but honestly...I haven't finished it and I've had it for a week. That right there is a sign that I'm not loving it
finish/start writing my talk for Sunday (yep. this girl got cornered and had no choice but to say yes)
do laundry - because soon we'll be naked

No spoilers!!

The Money Tree

2010-09-23T10:27:00.002-07:00

Some day I'd like a money tree.

A tree unaffected by the seasons, drought, or lack of care.

I'd like a never ending supply of this tree's fruit.

Things I'd buy with my tree's fruit:

another tree
lots of plane tickets to lots of places
a "manly" truck for freddie
a house with a big kitchen for me
jewelry to replace what Southwest lost
clothes/shoes/make-up
crafting supplies and
an endless supply of drinks from sonic

I mean really - it's not like that's a lot or anything!

Where does one buy a tree like this?

Random Thoughts

2010-09-20T20:43:00.002-07:00

Dear Fred-

I love you. I'm glad we celebrated our 3rd Anniversary last week. Sorry I didn't do a special post highlighting my love for you. Maybe if we would have posed in that thing at the restaurant I would have. Oh and speaking of that restaurant - let's not go back.

Dear Friday Night Lights-

hi. it hasn't been 12 hours since we last hung out, but I'm hoping to make it the day without you. I need to actually accomplish something substantial today. But seriously I love you and you've made me start talking with a Southern accent.

Dear Di-

I hate you for getting me addicted to FNL.

Dear family -

I loved seeing all of you this weekend. I hated the circumstances but loved the time spent together. It was too short of a trip and one that puts me back on the 'maybe we could move to Utah' bandwagon. But it wouldn't be Utah County so don't get too excited.

Dear Job #2-

Sorry I gave you my 2 weeks notice. It's just I really need to focus on my real job and since I have been paying you lately instead of getting paid by you...I think it's time to cut ties. I've loved you though and will miss all my co-workers and regular customers!

dear HS shoplifters-

I guess you're welcome for not catching you? I'm a little mad that you stole from me after I sat and talked with you girls for a long time. It wasn't my fault that you three were pros at it but know that I'm not happy and neither is your mom. Oh and nice try girl #3 on coming back with a new friend to try the same thing. tsk tsk - seriously.

Dear Arizona-

we all voted and we're ready for Fall. sound good? good.

Dear Sunny-

I've missed you. I loved our bike ride to the library (the happiest place in Chandler) the other day. I can't wait to ride you all the time since I'll actually have time to do it.

Dear running shoes-

um. well. I don't have any excuses except that I haven't had time to even put you on since uh, well, earlier this summer. That is changing and will be different starting in October...or November.

Dear Glee-

you and me. tonight. I. can't. wait. It will be magical, musical, and down right amazing I'm sure. I'm having a mini-celebration in your honor.

Dear Vitamix blender-

You're all I think about. After your demo the other day at Costco, I can't stop thinking about pressing your buttons to create culinary masterpieces. Ice Cream and Soup from one beautiful machine? oh, you! I think our union is essential to the health and happiness of my family.

Dear iphone-

we need to talk. You need to update yourself and unlock yourself because this girl just can't seem to find the gall to do it. So could you make it happen? Oh and this girl also doesn't know that gall means. unless speaking of the gal bladder - in which case she still doesn't know.

Dear crop dusters-

You seem to be everywhere. The security line at the airport, the cash register at job #2, and more frequently...the grocery store. Can't you be more careful about the location of the "drop"? Things to not do: "drop" and then in a rush of air put your clothing choices on the counter...bringing a little sample of your brand. and the security line is a given no-no. hold it until the terminal. thanks.

Dear Hoarders (the show)-

you make me gag and want to purge my house. Thank you for helping America.

Family Time

2010-08-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

When we got back from Moab - we immediately got to start playing with Fred's bro Johnathan, SIL Grace, and their 2 boys - Lukas (2) and Isaac (5 mon).

We hadn't ever met Isaac and last time Lukas hated me so I was a little nervous but their trip was really fun!(minus the 2 year old tantrums and the teething moments of shrieking)

while they were here we:

swam at the pool - Lukas is fearless and will jump in after his floating noodle without a second thought.
ate out - toooo much
convinced Christina and Michael to come visit from St. G so we had lots of Walds under one roof (unfortunately we didn't take any pictures while they were here...how lame!?)
walked around the Mesa Temple
hung out at the PGA store (Grace and I found a couch...it was a blessing)
went to Canyon Lake - it was amazing! The weather was perfect and the boys even found some cliffs to jump off of. Including Lukas! He jumped off a 6 footer!!
Discovered the GoldField Ghost town - it was this awesome old west town on the way to canyon lake.
went to the Desert Botanical Gardens (thank heavens for free passes from the Library!)
introduced Johnathan and Grace to the amazingness of How I Met Your Mother

Lukas still wasn't a huge fan of me until the last day or 2 (and then he liked me and actually played with me) and Isaac would just stare at me for hours. I'm convinced it's because I'm blond - at least that's what I'm telling myself!

Lukas just loooved Fred though. It made us wish we lived closer so we could visit and play much more often! (and so it wouldn't take sooo long for Lukas to warm up to me!! - some day...some day...)

Here are some pics in no particular order - because I'm lazy like that.

proof that he doesn't hate me...at this moment

Lukas doing the splits

Johnathan, Grace, and the boys

At the botanical gardens - hunting for dinosaurs (lizards)

Thanks for coming to visit! We love you guys!

Who wants to come next?

LoToMo 2010

2010-08-31T14:24:00.004-07:00

Well well well, a week later and I'm ready to do the run down of the 1st Annual LoToMo trip. What is the LoToMo? It stands for the Logan to Moab trip - we made it up because we're cool like that.

This trip brought together our most favorite people from Logan (well - originating in Logan...now we're all over). First let's introduce the players:

Bo and Lacey (and baby kayda) - residents of the thriving metropolis of Green River. They are kind of the 'it' couple of the community. It was like being with celebs.
Amanda and Brandon (and baby brooklyn) - the planners of the first trip. Still residents of Logan but have roots in Green River so they hooked us up with free accommodations. They were the guides, cooks, and Green River experts.
Dana and Jake - new residents to a little town we call Denver. They graced us with hilarious comments/questions, elf shoes, and sponge bob-ness.
Kalli and Jordan - also residents of Logan. Jordan is the famous golfer that just won the Cache Valley Open and Kalli is the golf widow with whom I spent my days on the course. gossiping. not golfing.
Chana and Fred - making the journey from the desert of Phoenix. We brought the inappropriate comments, sarcasm, and a little bit of funny.

Now that you've met us all. Let's break down this trip in pictures.

Day 1: Friday - meet up. eat up. fire it up.

we headed to Crystal Geyser after a delicious meal prepared by the Amanda, Brandon, and his parents. Crystal Geyser and I have some history - as in every. single. moab trip to visit my bro included stopping at this Geyser. which resulted in years of seeing nothing erupt. This trip was no different. But fun none the less. We made a fire. roasted some 'mellows and laughed at Bo for thinking the flash of the camera was lightening in the clear sky. We ended the night after Kayda decided rocks were better than cheerios.
wait but was the night over? nope. Brooklyn kept us awake with her crib shaking shinanigans...

Day 2: Saturday - goblins, water, and taverns...oh my.

We headed to Goblin Valley for some inappropriate pictures (maybe one to grace the christmas card this year??). The boys (and Dana) found a cave and shoved Dana up the birthing hole to come out the other side. After she made it, all us girls climbed into the cave and were pressured into 'thinking skinny' and going through as well. I couldn't stop laughing and turned into dead weight for Brandon and Fred to lift up and kicked Kalli in the face. Kalli who got stuck in the cave last (but not least) was brave enough to ask a dad for a boost - turned out he didn't really need to help but a butt grab was available so he took it.

After some lunch - and a whole watermelon (see notes below), we headed back to the house to gear up to go river rafting. We blew up the rafts, got a lift from Bo and set out on the open green river. Fred took on the position of captain and had us all paddling for our lives. Good thing we were all in pristine condition. heh.

That night we ate at Ray's Tavern (yummmm. yummmm. yummmm) and played some games at Bo and Lacey's Green River Mansion. Nothing brings friends together like a few games of signs, and 3-people on a couch. oh and brownies. Lacey and I whipped up a batch of homemade brownies. It's like we should be on the Food Network or something. amazingness and sass? believe it.

Day 3: "I thought there'd be more arches?"

Yep we headed into Moab to visit Arches. We hiked to Delicate Arch - it was awesome and actually really fun! We hung out at the arch for a bit - where the boys turned into kids and climbed all the rocks and grinned like crazies.

This was a few of the friend's first time at Arches and unfortunately we didn't have enough time to see lots of it. So while sitting up at Delicate Arch, Kalli said, "I thought there would be more Arches?"

Next year Kalli. Next year.

We said goodbye to the friends that had to hit the road and then the rest of us hit La Hacienda for some delicious mexican food. The chips and salsa there are probably the best in the world.

When the numbers dwindled down to just us and the Brady's we hung out at my brothers then walked the stores on mainstreet in Moab.

Then LoToMo officially ended.

It was seriously one of the funnest weekends of the summer. We loved it.
We've taken the lead for LoToMo 2011 so we'll see what craziness will be planned for next year's trip!

Notes:

Fred hates watermelon (gasp). Wait no - he hates ALL melon. So at the Wald house we don't eat it because while I looove me some melon - I can't eat it all on my own. So Bo brought a watermelon to goblin valley and I got a little too excited. I attempted to eat the whole thing but alas. I failed. So we offered it to another family who saw through my nastiness and accepted.
Lacey's ipod holds the greatest hits - including I'm a genie in a bottle.
The Brady's are sneaky little bandits and are expecting baby #2 (and even knew when I stayed with them in August!!)
Amanda is an amazing seamstress. She showed us some crib bedding that she made for her sister and it was amazing. Some day if I have a baby I will be getting my stuff from her!
We also got to go up to the mountain and hang out with my bro and his fam for the day - it was amazing. We loved the cool mountain air, rhino rides, exploring, and family time.

Here are some more pics - if you're dying to see more!!

Outta Here

2010-08-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

Goodbye Arizona. For the next five days we will be taking refuge in one of our favorite places in the world.

This is a much needed vacation marking the completion of Fred's second semester of school (and half way point!) and getting me out of working two jobs for a few days.

We'll spend time with our besties from Cache Valley, our crazy babies, and hike/swim/laugh/gossip/munch/settle-catan/paint toes/relax.

Upon our return we hope to be re-charged, darker (skin), happier, and ready to start back up in this crazy life of ours.

Plus when we get back we get to play with more family and these two rugrats who will be visiting from the dirty dirty.

Mini Vacay

2010-08-04T09:58:00.004-07:00

Yesterday was amazing. I didn't want it to end.

Fred doesn't have school in Tuesdays and I finally had a day off from job #2 so I took the day off from job #1 and we hit the road to Tucson.

A few of our friends were down at a conference there so while they sat in classes - we sat at the pool. Did I mention it was amazing?

We sat in tubes circling a lazy river, basked in the sun on the lounge chairs, and just hung. out. When our friends finally finished we headed into Tucson for dinner. The food was only sub-par but the company was hilarious (and for the record - Tucson is ghetto).

What we didn't get? pictures. Nope not one.
Well except of a nasty tarantula found at the hotel that Fred picked up and wanted to bring home. He was really sad when I told him no. So then I felt bad and said he could but he had to hold the box on his lap the entire time but that the spider was not coming in the house. at all. He pouted but made the right decision to let the spider stay in Tucson.

How sad is it that that marks our first mini-vacay in AZ? Not the last.

Summers are for...

2010-07-26T08:54:00.004-07:00

Beaver Creek, Arizona

All summer all I've wanted to do is go camping and swimming. I've heard amazing things about escaping the heat and camping in Arizona (I want to go to beaver creek sooo bad) - but things are a little busy.

Things like:

Camping
Swimming
Hiking
Fun with friends
Cook outs
Crafts
Farmers Markets
Laying in the sun
Taking a weekend trip to Cali

Are all on my to-do list this summer but most of these things you can't do when you work 70+ hours a week.

Yep, this is me complaining about having two jobs. One I know is full-time but lately job #2 thinks that full-time is okay as well.

I'm. burnt. out.

I hope you're all out enjoying the summer for me!! Have an extra piece of watermelon and a cob of corn for me okay?

The Big 3-0

2010-07-22T04:40:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was the day Fred had been dreading for the last year. The day he turned the

BIG 3-0.

If I were one of those bloggers that was more on the cheesy side than on the sarcastic side I'd probably make this a post about how much I love him and how I'm so lucky that I married such a great man.

I'd probably add something about how his amazing drive and attitude really helps me be a better person and how I love that he's always encouraging me to try something new or find a new hobby.

I'd probably give 30 reasons why I love the guy and most of them would produce verge-of-gagging results to anyone that happened upon this here blog. You know stuff like: I love how he can always make me smile even when I'm really mad or I love the way he snuggles me in the morning.

I'd post a million pictures of him - because I would have made him take a bunch of pictures by himself...just for this occasion.

But instead I'll wish my hubby a happy 30th birthday, post a semi-embarrassing picture, and sum it all up with I love you babe and man you're old!!

Creamy Chicken Taquitos

2010-07-18T09:18:00.004-07:00

I got this recipe from my good friend McKell - who never fails when it comes to recipes. This is amazingly delicious...and easy! It's been awhile since I've shared a good recipe so here's one you should make...today! (we loved this so much that we made it twice in a matter of days...and had to double it the 2nd time so we could eat it the next day too!)

1/3 cup (3 oz) cream cheese
1/4 cup green salsa
1 tsp lime juice
1/2 tsp cumin
1 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp onion powder
1/4 tsp garlic powder or granulated garlic
3 tbs chopped cilantro
2 tbs chopped green onions
2 cups shredded cooked chicken
1 cup grated pepper jack cheese
small corn tortillas
kosher salt

heat oven to 425 degrees. Line baking sheet with foil and spray with nonstick spray. Heat cream cheese in microwave for 20-30 seconds until it is softened and easy to stir, add green salsa, lime juice, spices - stir to combine. Then add chopped cilantro and green chilies. Add chicken and cheese and mix well.

Work with 2-3 tortillas at a time, warming them up in the microwave for 20-30 seconds in a damp paper towel. spoon 2-3 tbs of mixture into center of tortilla keeping away from the ends, roll as tight as you can, place the taquitos seam down on the baking sheet making sure they are not touching each other. Once all taquitos are on the pan lightly spray with cooking spray or oil mister and sprinkle a little kosher salt on them.

Bake 15-20 minutes until crisp and ends begin to brown.

Devour.

The Mystery is Dead

2010-07-09T08:46:00.001-07:00

Warning: this is a post about bathroom topics.

Before Freddie and I got married I was beyond shy about gross things. I would NOT go to the bathroom at his place. ever. Farting? Out of the question. Nor did he really do it in front of me (I wish I could say those words now instead of the phrase that comes out of my mouth daily which is "SERIOUSLY? Are you freaking kidding me? Do you hate me or something?")

Toward the end of our engagement we were together more and more, and I still wouldn't go but I had to get over my fear. Upon using the bathroom, I'd turn on the sink and even sometimes the tub so no one could hear any kind of bathroom noise.

so then we get married.

everything changed. I don't know what happened and I hadn't really realized it until...I learned some fun facts about my new friends.

One of my friends, we'll call her Andy, has been married for over five years. In those five years, she has never once farted in front of her husband. Not once. It's okay if you gasp. I did.

During the conversation where this is being revealed, I'm also told that one of our other friends ONLY poops if her husband is NOT home. If he's home, she won't do it. She'll hold it for days if she has to.

Say what!?

I am officially the grossest person in the world - and pray I'm not alone.

Is it wrong if I get a little satisfaction at grossing Fred out a bit? I mean really. So what if maybe I've done those things and maybe with the door open?

After 2.5 years of gagging - I think I'm justified.

**I'm not completely disgusting - it's not like I have boy bodily functions or anything so don't judge too harshly. kthx.

Feel free to confess to something gross so I know I'm not alone!!

One day...

2010-07-06T13:27:00.001-07:00

while I was gone I was talking to Fred on the phone. He was in a hurry because he was trying to pack, clean, and finish homework for school before heading up to Utah [to be reunited with his beautiful wife who he'd realized he couldn't possible live without another second...too far?]

So me on the other end, eating her 115th peanut butter bar ($%#@ deliciousness) got a little excited over the words 'cleaning'. In my head I thought, 'YESSS he finally gets it!! He's going to have the house clean so when I get back I don't stress!'

This is where someone, anyone, should have punched me. then laughed in my face over the possible idea of Fred cleaning the entire house. But no one did.

when he finally got to Utah, someone made a comment about him cleaning the whole house and how they were impressed. He quickly explained that he accidentally left some clothes on the couch - because he was in such a rush trying to do laundry and pack.

Well, fast forward a few days to when we get home. 'Clean the House' must have meant cleaned up after myself...a little. Because he literally didn't clean anything. Anything I'd left out was still out and some clothes on the couch? No. All his clothes were there. sigh.

How does one train a man?

and next time - someone please punch me at any sign of belief.

Just in case...

2010-07-02T11:36:00.007-07:00

If you need present ideas for a certain gal turning the big 2-5 tomorrow...

I have it under good authority that she'd love:

Some black glitter Toms. If you found these for her she would love you forever and ever.

a comfy skirt like this one in any/all colors

A hand stamped necklace with something thoughtful, cute, or non-lame written on it - with a charm or gem of course.

Sure Cuts A lot so she could actually use her amazing cricut for super cute projects...maybe even a project for you

This cute top (and maybe even some cupcakes along with)

Those are just a few ideas...just in case you need some.

Home Again

2010-06-30T09:53:00.008-07:00

After almost an entire month in Utah...I'm back. Back in the heat. Back in the home office. Back to "real" life.

Instead of posting lots of different posts about what I did, I'm summing it up in one.

During June I:

Played and Worked in Logan. I forget how BEAUTIFUL Cache Valley is. This was the real reason I was in Utah - so I worked 15-hour days and stayed up entirely too late each night catching up with friends. Completely and totally worth the exhaustion. Thanks Amanda and Brandon for letting me stay at your house for days and days!!

participated in my 3rd Art City 5k. Let me go ahead and be honest. I didn't train. I've been going to the foot doc for months and the day before I left I got inserts to wear for the race. I think they worked. Only because the rest of my body hurt more so the pain from my foot was silenced. My time was sad - but not horrible for a girl from a different altitude and who didn't train.

Attended some Art City Days festivities with the fam

headed back to Logan for more work stuff

My Grandma passed away suddenly. It was a very sad, teary-teary day.

Met up with one of my favorite people, Abbey, for some overdue catch up time, fro-yo, and photo booth sessions

spent ample time with family though strangely enough at the end of the month it wasn't enough time!!

babysat, worked, babysat, worked

attended my cousin's wedding

Made cake pops

laughed until I cried with my besties

welcomed my little sister Erin home from her LDS mission in Kentucky

attempted to kidnap all my nephews and nieces

was finally reunited with the mister after 21 days apart

visited old friends

had my toes done (and looove them)

Threw a surprise birthday party in Logan for Fred with all our friend's in Logan (a month early but who cares!)

and for all the pictures I didn't post....

I can't believe June has already come and gone! I loved every second of my Utah trip (except for a few in the middle). But I guess I'll settle back into life here in the 480...

**i took the music off the slide show because man...that was annoying.

2010-06-21T14:31:00.001-07:00

I miss this boy.

Hiatus

2010-06-15T07:08:00.005-07:00

I might have googled how to spell that word. maybe.

I've taken bit of a hiatus from blogging. It's been amazing. Not because I don't have plenty to blog about or that I don't want to but life has been insanely busy. The kind of busy that makes you wonder how you'll accomplish your many tasks in the small amount of hours in the day. Or has you second guessing whether sleep is really needed.

On a couple of occasions the answer to the latter has been no. not necessary.

Me exhausted after a 15 hour day at work...

I'm hanging out in Utah this month. Freddie is all by his lonesome - loving life.

Let's go ahead and talk about that for a sec - so my fear of him starving to death is completely and totally wrong. Not only is he eating but he's actually COOKING for himself. like meals. WTH.
It's amazing that when I'm not around he actually knows how to cook and shop for good food. But hells bells if I'm there he literally cannot fathom the idea of making anything. Something is wrong with this picture.

Being in Utah has been better than expected - it's not all bliss but for the most part life is good here. I miss it. I miss the mountains. and our friends/family. sigh.
What I don't miss? eating 24-hours a day. I literally have this hunger that cannot be satisfied. I have to eat everything in sight. I'm slowly gaining control. thankfully. Why Utah! Why!?

There are posts to come...and I'll try to be better since my Utah trip lasts another couple of weeks (that are already scheduled and spent pretty much...sheesh).

New Rule

2010-06-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

Fred and I should ONLY be allowed to hang out with our married friends when we're TOGETHER.

Because when we're on our own...secrets are told.

Like the time I spilled the beans that sometimes (cough most of the time cough) a certain man-of-the-house finds clothing optional - and it's safest to call ahead.

Or most recently on Friday night when Fred went to dinner with some friends celebrating a friend's bday. I wasn't able to play until after I got off work. But by then - the damage was done.

You see, along with our regular friends there were some irregular friends. Including the Bishop. The very Bishop I've told no to for speaking in church 3 times. The one I avoid at church for fear it'll result in a calling, prayer, or special assignment. Yep. That guy.

While I was working so so hard, Fred willingly threw me under the bus. There was no thought as to 'no she'd be embarrassed' or 'my wife is so beautiful, I'd never say something to get her in trouble'. He just told the Bish that I'm the reason we haven't spoken. I'm the one who makes him say no. Awkward.

I'm so glad I won't be around to go to church for the next month. Then again...

dear friends - please disregard anything/everything Fred says about me over the next month. Especially if it's about any of my habits, my recent anti-social behavior, moodiness, or anything else you know I'd be mortified about.

The Home Office

2010-06-02T16:55:00.001-07:00

I've been telecommuting, aka working from home for 7 months now. Wow. Who knew I'd survive this long!? Because I seriously didn't.

Lately though, I can tell you both Fred and I are beginning to dream about moving my office as I am "in the way" of Fred if he's home.

through the door on the left is the laundry room and then into the garage so anytime Fred has to leave or comes home I have to scooch all the way in or move out of the way. Trust me it gets pretty annoying. For both of us.

So then we started thinking...what if I just used our extra room for my office - benefits including:

the ability to SHUT the door therefore not getting distracted by Fred watching tv, listening to music, or wanting to hang out

more space

out of the way

Fred could use this little nook for doing homework instead of using the coffee table - which he always leaves a mess. (the coffee table which also serves as the dining room table - psh seriously we aren't ghetto)

Plus we'd add something like this to our furniture list:

I'm seriously dreaming of this computer armoire...

Things to NOT say

2010-06-01T08:27:00.001-07:00

"Your legs are getting vainy, you know what that means right? You're getting OLD."
FYI they are NOT vainy. Like really they aren't. mmmk?

"your boobs are freaking gigantic - you're screwed when we have kids"
no. joke.

"stop wearing cardigans with everything - are you 90?"
cardigans are stylish. suck it.

"Does it make you feel bad that I'm like 50 shades darker than you?"
crap. no defense on this one.

We're sooo in love.

Arch Support

2010-05-21T09:55:00.002-07:00

I'm at the foot doctor. One shoe on. One shoe off. Ready for a shot and some sound waves. Bring it!

There is an awkward medical assistant that keeps popping in to chat. He did this last time too. He's awkward. Like Trekkie awkward. It was mistake to forget to wear my wedding ring that day.

Today the ring is on.

Our last conversation involved figuring out how to use the shock wave machine as a weapon on the streets. The verdict: remove end and add a knife. Though Trekkie said knives weren't very fun. Mmmhmm.

They *think* I have plantar facisitis. Not an extreme case according to the doc. What he's really saying is: you're kind of a baby but we'll fix it.

I'm cool with that. It's a fact I already knew. Reason #256 why I don't have kids yet.

Doc says I still need shoes with arch support. I don't know what he means. I only speak flip flop and know a little wedge and flats.

Ps. I'm posting from my phone so who knows if this will work and even then I may read this when I get home and delete it on grounds of being lame.

A Dream

2010-05-19T08:43:00.005-07:00

Last night I dreamt that we were living back in Utah County. We were busy busy busy but extremely happy.

I don't remember where Fred worked but it was somewhere great that he was really happy and it allowed me to stay home with the kiddies (yep - there were children in this dream). I got to spend all the time I wanted with my family, especially my mom and sisters, and also with friends.

In this dream, I was the typical Utah County LDS mom - SUV, comfortable home, time for crafting and cooking, and lots of play dates. It was bliss.

Though we're pretty sure that UT County won't be where we settle down - maybe someday it could be.

The most shocking thing about this post: the fact that Utah County sounds good to me to live in forever. gasp. I must be homesick.

Phrase of the Day

2010-05-15T14:39:00.001-07:00

Think: Would you rather slide down a razor blade or have you skin peeled with a potato peeler?

What was your reaction? Did your butt clench?

Or maybe when someone says something gross, or you see something nasty and traumatic on TV. serious butt clenching.

What did you just experience?

Butt Pucker

(v). the tensing of one's buttockal region as a reaction to a sight, sound, comment, touch, or smell.

Embrace the phrase and feel free to use it in your daily conversations. It may feel awkward at first but soon you'll have your friends, family, and even your department at work saying it.

**It is not recommended that you use this word in front of people who do not already know you. When trying to make new friends it will come out awkward and maybe a little disgusting. So refrain until you feel comfortable.

Confessions of a Mormon Girl

2010-05-13T08:32:00.001-07:00

I want my nose pierced. really really bad. There I said it

I swear. some days more than I'd like to admit

I don't understand money. saving or budgeting

I can justify anything

I can also talk myself out of anything

I struggle with the thought of being a mom. I can only think of sacrifice, lack of sleep, debt, tantrums, poop, and saggy boobs. I'm also mortified/disgusted at the thought of breast feeding (not when others do it - just the idea of actually doing it - BUTT PUCKER). I don't know how women do it or how I'll be able to take that leap into motherhood

I think making new friends is worse than dating - more like finding new friends has replaced dating. Instead of playing hard to get with a boy - I find myself playing it with new friends. Yep. I know it's lame (and is obviously NOT working so maybe I should put out instead?)
I have 1 bra. yep only 1 - I'm disgusting I already know
Some days I want to pack our bags and run away
I'm a number brat - I will only buy clothes if they are my mentally accepted number size otherwise I won't buy anything (how ridiculous)
I miss Utah - the weather, the farmers markets, the mountains, our friends, family, quick trips, BBQs -but I don't miss Utah Mormons (disclaimer: not all Mormon's in Utah are this way)
I love Chai Tea
annoying Fred is one of my favorite hobbies (unfortunately I think his life goal is to bug the crap out of me)
I have to be playing with something in my hands almost always

Your turn - confess something!

Welcome to My Rut

2010-05-07T08:13:00.003-07:00

I have about 5 or 6 blog posts started. not finished but started. I can't seem to finish them though. I'll think of something I find amusing/awkward/hilarious, begin to write about it, but then when I come back to it to finish - it isn't funny anymore. In fact it's a little embarrassing and not even slightly entertaining.

I somehow got wrapped up in making sure I was writing things people would like that I've lost track of just writing and letting it be what it would be. Funny or not. embarrassing or not. awkward or not. I need to find that brave version of me again. she's somewhere.

So feeling defeated I think 'psh maybe I'll take a break from blogging for while'.

but then it starts all over again.

So hopefully in the near future you'll see some posts on:

keeping the mystery alive in marriage (or failing at it)
the american dream
the worst wife ever
and other awkward titles

Friday

2010-05-03T08:42:00.002-07:00

Friday morning was a day for cuss words, angry eyes, and frustration. My work computer has been giving me attitude for awhile but Thursday and Friday were the days when my lappy basically gave me the bird.

I spent 3 hours on Thursday trying to make her better with the help (a word used loosely) from my support team in Utah and then started Friday with hopes of having an incredibly productive day - making up for all lost time spent begging and pleading with my computer to behave.

But to no avail. She was ticked. I guess I didn't spend enough time telling her she was pretty and that she worked so well. I was instructed to overnite her back to Utah for the "professionals" to take a look (please bless it was NOT user error).

So here I am. Laying in bed, working on Fred's laptop. I have a really hard life. Could someone get me a drink and some breakfast? I'm really busy in here.

I love

2010-04-27T10:14:00.000-07:00

When best friends come visit from out of state - making you want to kidnap them so they can never leave and so you have a best friend in a new place

trying out recipes found in the Food Network Magazine and loving them
by recipes I mean 1 but I did make it twice in a matter of days.

playing the game 'words with friends' on my iphone
if you have an iphone or touch - lets play!

leggings
so comfy...

fruit leather

being in the Arizona sunshine

when your friend's 2.5 year old wants to sit and snuggle with you almost making you want kids...but not quite

days when I don't have to work 2 jobs

thinking about being in Utah in June and mentally planning things to do and people to see

wandering around IKEA dreaming of the simplified style I hope to incorporate all over my house someday

What do you love?

It's okay if...

2010-04-26T22:15:00.002-07:00

you don't remember when the last time you had a real home cooked meal was. And that the last few dinners you remember consisted of crackers and cheese.

It's also okay that you've gone through 4 boxes of the family size reduced fat wheat thins in the last week.

No judgement right?

I have

2010-04-16T10:18:00.004-07:00

a bad attitude today.

I'm sick of spending tax returns, bonuses, and other spare change on car repairs.

I want to put it away for

a vacation.

a house.

a puppy.

or a shopping spree.

I don't want to spend anymore money on a car that should be driven off a cliff. Especially when money isn't something we have growing on trees.

Just so you don't think I'm a total bizatch today - I'm grateful we have

two cars.

jobs.

an apartment.

I've disabled comments on this one btw because I'm just ranting. and I'm A-OK hanging out in my pity party for 1.

Tonight

2010-04-13T10:06:00.002-07:00

It's finally April 13th which means...

Glee is back!!

Are you a Gleek?

Dear:

2010-04-08T13:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Mazzy (my old Mazda):
We shouldn't have sold you which ultimately led to your death. You were the better car. I'm so sorry I'd do anything to have you back at this point.

Dear Larry (the Alero):

You're a Biotch. No wonder they stopped making you. I'd like to prop a brick against your gas pedal and steer you off a cliff.
Please stop breaking - we just need to pass emissions so we can register you.
But would like to do that without paying over a grand to fix your sorry self.
I think I'd rather sell you and buy a scooter.

Dear blisters:

I'm over you. stop coming back.

Dear foot doc:

seriously you want to put me in a walking cast for 2-4 weeks? argh. this sounds horrible not to mention completely ugly.

Dear Sleep Number Bed:

while at first we hated you - we actually love you now. Thanks for helping Fred sleep through the night for the first time in years. You may be worth our first born after all.

Dear Glee:
I am anxiously awaiting your return next week.
I can't wait to bask in your awkwardness.

Dear little sis:
please hurry home. I miss your face - though I don't miss you purposefully sneezing on my arm all the time. It's gross. NOT funny. Sydney and I have a re-beautification day planned for you which will include waxing, plucking, and defrumpifying. Also, I know it's your goal to come home as awkward as possible BUT feel free to fail. See you soon.

Dear Last Song:
thanks for not letting me down entirely. Good thing you had Liam - because he's tasty. But I wish Miley didn't hold her mouth all awkwardly the whole time. Or that she didn't talk like she had a retainer in her mouth. Oh and I wish you wouldn't have left out some of the good parts from the book. Overall - thanks for having Liam. He saved you.

Dear Fred:
I love you like a lot a lot.
Good thing too because you're expensive and smelly.

Dear Besties:
I miss you girls. Please come visit.

Dear Mom:
will you make ham and yummy potatoes while I'm home in June?
Please please please??
I'd make them but you know they wouldn't turn out the same.

Love-Chana

Ridiculous

2010-04-05T08:46:00.002-07:00

It seems ridiculous that I am so tired. Did I say tired? I meant exhausted.

This new job is kicking my booty. I love it. Well, I love working there but I don't love how my feet are reacting. You'd think they'd been stuck under a desk for over 2 years or something.

Please bless they figure out that standing and walking on them (in cute, not-always-comfortable shoes) for 5+ hours straight is the cool thing to do.

I worked eight hours on Saturday and then we had to go to Walmart to grab the ingredients for our Easter dinner and I was almost in tears being forced to walk around. The bottoms of my feet killed! Not to mention the blisters (Ragnar 2009 didn't even produce this many blisters).

I should be allowed to grab a motorized cart.

Like I said. Ridiculous.

in other catch up news:

Fred has 2 weeks left of his semester and then he gets a big ol' break. I don't.
Fred got a job (halle-freaking-luah)
I opted to not pay the $500 for an MRI on my foot - we'll see what other options I have (but working on my feet nonstop isn't really helping...)
Sadly, I had to drop out of 2010 Ragnar due to the same foot issues
I want a mini vacay

something new

2010-03-31T08:19:00.003-07:00

I started a new job this week.
It's only part time but I've been in training for the last few days.
I'm beat.

I'm trying to not take time off from my "real" job so I come home from training and work another 4 or so hours.

this is also why I haven't blogged.

I love this new job so far though. It's nice to have a reason to get ready, be cute, and I get to be social (sigh). My first real day working is tomorrow.

I need to do some major shopping. It's been awhile since I've had to look cute and trendy.

What's in...

2010-03-26T12:49:00.001-07:00

This is what you get for hurting your foot 10 months ago but not going to the doctor. 3 cheers for copayments and deductibles - can't wait to pay for my MRI. Insert profanity here.

Book Worm

2010-03-23T10:27:00.001-07:00

I am addicted to books right now. I keep referring to myself as Belle because I read a book in a day and am off to the library for the next one. In the last 2 weeks I've literally read six books.

Here's what I've just finished:

The Uglies (2nd time reading it)
Water for Elephants
The Hunger Games
How to Be Single (a novel - not a self help...obvi)
LA Candy
Sweet Little Lies, LA Candy #2
Blue Bloods
The Last Song

I guess I've read eight. Oh man. I'm addicted - I'm currently reading Catching Fire (#2 in the Hunger Games series). I stayed up until 3am Saturday night finishing The Last Song. I was sobbing. Ya know the kind where you've got snot running and you can hardly contain the awkward sob noises. That was me (good thing Fred was out cold).

What should I read next? What are you reading?

Are you on Goodreads? I am. Lets be friends - chanaltaylor{at}gmail{dot}com

I'm done. I'm done. I'M DONE!

2010-03-18T22:15:00.003-07:00

No more accutane (knock on wood)!

No more:

flaky lips
alligator skin
red face
ashy hands
dry hair
bloody noses (my first ever came from this drug)

Yay! Let's celebrate by...waiting 30 days and then laying out in the sun!

I won't be following my older sister's example on this one - she decided to NOT wear sunscreen to a golf tournament and consequently had to get her burns scraped off by the doctor...no thank you

Cabin Fever

2010-03-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

When the clock hits quitting time I scramble to get out of my desk - quickly put on a little make up and open the door to bring in what little sunshine is left. This is also the time I get a little crazy.

You see - I'm a 'people person', a 'social butterfly', a 'chatter', a 'busy body' - all things that are stifled by sitting at a desk in my house surrounded by nothing but silence and the occasional Lady GaGa song.

So when I do go out in public it's like seeing people for the first time. I get so excited. SO excited.

For instance, the first time I went to the Chandler Public Library I was the weird girl wandering around smiling at everyone and I might have even gotten teary-eyed. It took all I had to not put my arms out and start spinning in circles. I just stood there giddy, drinking in the voices, sounds, and books. I was ready to start singing a song as though I was in a musical. Thankfully my tears stayed in and so did the song.

I'm still this way. On Tuesday I went to the library on Sunny - best day ever. I was all smiles as I sang my heart out to Lady A on the way (thanks to traffic - no one can hear me...I hope).

I'm this way everywhere. I get so excited to go anywhere - Sams Club, the mall, Safeway, anywhere. I'm giddy, chatty, and seriously on the verge of happy tears. Beware of taking me out in public. I could be awkward.

I miss people. I think I'll get a part time job that includes social interaction. I think I neeeed it.

Turns Out...

2010-03-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

that when you live somewhere sunny and gorgeous people actually want to visit you. We've had more visitors in the three months we've lived in Arizona then we did the entire two years we lived in Logan. We love it!

I've said I was bad at taking pictures. So to make it up to you...

First we were able to see my cousins Lori & Amy and my Aunt Karen & Uncle Bill - they live in the South so seeing them out here in the West was great, even if the trip was stress, tears, hospital stays, and a funeral (not in that order).

To surprise my aunt and uncle, my parents came down - read the description above for a summary of their trip as well. An AZ redemption trip will be required.

The following weekend Fred's cousin's crashed at our house for a couple of days on their way from California to Arkansas. In 'n' Out was had and Nordstrom Rack was experienced. There was also some hula hooping.

Next, Fred's parents flew out west from Arkansas to visit his sister and were able to squeeze in a couple days with us. I feel horrible about their visit - I had just gotten home from Utah and had lots of work to do, & Fred was booked solid for school - so they caught up on sleep (from driving straight through the night from Vegas). They too will need to come back - when we can actually play! Please note: Fred did find time to take his mom to the golf store - shock! Then my sister Sydney came for a dental workshop. We ate yummy - expensive pizza, shopped, vegged, went to a chick flick, and thift shopped. It was great. Too bad I was in a lame shopping rut - and didn't buy a thing. I know. I'm disgusted too.

Then last weekend, our good friends Amanda and Brandon came down for a wedding. We hot tubbed and hot tubbed, the boys went to the Phoenix Open, baby Brooklyn and I went on walks and had girl talk while Amanda did wedding stuff. It was nice to have good friends around - we miss that!
mmhmm hot tub hotness in a bathrobe...

This weekend, Tadd and Kelly were in town from California for another wedding so we got to see more friends.

Who wants to come next??

Meet My Boyfriend

2010-03-04T10:26:00.002-07:00

Last weekend Fred took me to go see my boyfriend, what a good husband huh?

We headed to the Phoenix Open to watch our favorites, Phil Mickelson, Camilo Villegas, Ian Poulter, Anthony Kim, and Ricky Fowler.

We followed my boyfriend, Camilo for most of the day and I'm pretty sure he and I made eye contact and that he saw my ring and had to hide his tears.

you can't help but drool when he does his spider-man move...

This was my first PGA event and I loooved it. It was so much fun to see the different pros and to sneak pictures of them. I can't wait until next year when I will have a shirt that says,
"Camilo will you marry me?"

Camilo and Ricky Fowler

Phil Mickelson

this behavior is accepted and encouraged by my husband - he's so obsessed he might have a shirt that says the same thing.

Picture Tag

2010-02-25T11:10:00.004-07:00

My blog friend Caro tagged me to do a photo tag - how could I not participate?

Here are the rules:

1. Open your 1st Photo folder.
2. Scroll to the 10th photo.
3. Post the photo and the story behind it.
4. Tag 5 or more people.

My picture:

This picture was taken in April of 2008. We were at a Padres game in San Diego with our friends Emily and Darrin and Tadd and Kelly. We were in San Diego to attend part 1 of Tadd and Kelly's wedding celebration (one of the most amazing weddings I've ever been to btw).

That trip was fred's 1st time seeing the ocean (to his memory), first time to San Diego for both of us, and ended in arizona. This is still one of my favorite trips because of the friendships I made with Fred's friends.

**I really like this picture. We look hot.

I tag:

little letters

2010-02-18T11:06:00.001-07:00

dear weekend:
hurry and get here.
Your arrival means the arrival of my sister, shopping,
and enjoying your blissful sunshine.

Are you here yet?

dear Jake:

don't pick Vienna because she has horse teeth and she's annoying.
Tenley's the girl for you - even if she is awkward
when she talks about you appreciating her dance moves
and talks about her divorce too much.
Oh and don't dance like you did with Gia on national TV.
It's embarrassing and she probably watched it last night
and was glad she went home
because of your awkward moves.

dear legs:
Good work on getting back into running.
We'll be ready for Ragnar come June
and I promise I won't skimp on the training this year.
AND I'll buy insoles
so your friend the foot doesn't freak out again.

dear DisneyLand:
Did you know you're only 6 hours from me?
I think a weekend trip is necessary.
We will see you this year. Soon I hope.

dear Accutane:
It's our final month together.
Let's make it count
but in 30 days I will be kicking you to the curb
and working toward a normal colored face again
(and a tan)

minus the 14-year old break outs.

dear AZ weather:
You're gorgeous. I love you.
Please take your time to hit summer temps.

dear MAC make-up:
I added you up the other day
and realized I've spent a small fortune on you.
20 eye shadows? really Chana?
I guess I'm addicted to your amazingness.
Grand total will not be listed. due to husband's reading abilities.

dear Mom and Dad Wald:
I need some more lemonade.
Please come over and make some - but this time stay longer
and come when we can actually play
so that you're trip to AZ can be redeemed.
Last week was not fun for you. We feel bad.

dear readers:
I love each and every one of you.
Thanks for coming by - please comment
and leave your blog address because
I'd love to read your blog too.

Dear payday:
please come more often and feel free to increase.
We like you and spend you before you even
have a chance to warm up the account.
We'll be better. But only if you bring your friends.

3 years ago...

2010-02-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

I went on my first date with this boy. He was fun, hot, took me to dinner, and was the first boy that I was myself with from the beginning. What I thought would be "fun" until graduation turned into time and all eternity. I'm so glad.

Discussion Item

2010-02-09T13:12:00.001-07:00

**Disclaimer: this post does not mean I am preggers. It is not meant to offend anyone - just to gain clarification. I want to hear your opinion so please share it!

Ever since I was about 12 I would pick my favorite boy and girl names for the kids I would someday have. I would then pair them with my current crush's last name to make sure they went together. I know I wasn't the only one who did this...admit it...you did too.

So now that I'm an adult (a term used loosely), I talk about baby names all the time - not for me but for my friends who are having babies. A topic we keep talking about is "calling a name".

What are your thoughts? Can you justify being mad about someone stealing you future baby's name?

Because these are mine:

I "know" the names I want to use but they aren't by any means mine. I don't think its fair to call a name - because really - does it matter?

Say I love the name...Madison (a name I will in fact be using someday), and one of my besties knows I love the name but then chooses to use it - I wouldn't be mad. Sure - it's my name and I would want people to know that I hadn't copied her - but really - as close as me and the friend may or may not be it isn't a big deal. Our kids won't have the same last name, go to the same schools, or be in the same ward most likely so why does it matter?

Sure when we get together it might be a little weird having two Madison's around but that's it.

Oh and don't worry because there are more than a million Madison's in the world so why does it matter?

I have a couple of friends that have gone through situations like this where someone starts a fight of the name of the unborn - in one case over the name she someday wanted to use as she was not preggers at the time of the fight.

And I just don't get it.

What's the big deal? What do you think?

I did this

2010-02-07T09:53:00.003-07:00

We all know my eyebrows struggle with being waxed - didn't know this fun fact? See here.

So being Mrs. Bushibrows something had to be done. Plucking was out of the question (which is why my brows were nastipants).

So this is what I did

It was uncomfortable but so much better than waxing! I'm officially done with waxing.
**they also do full facial threading so for those who like other things waxed try threading - it'll last longer, and your hair won't come in thicker!

Try your mall or check around for threading salons

Crafty Pants

2010-02-02T15:43:00.001-07:00

Hi. I'm Chana and I'm attempting to be super-cute-crafty-pants in order to find a hobby...

Here are some of my recent projects:

Frames

all purchased at goodwill for less than $12 - removed the ugly artwork and spray painted.

Burp cloths

I won't lie - I think these are pretty stinking cute.
Just don't look too close at the stitching - straight lines are harder than I thought!!

vinyl lettering signs

up next:

more vinyl lettering (after I save my pennies to get the program I need)
finish my photo collage in the living room
probably more burp cloths
attempting headbands

Want to come craft??

Bachelor Week

2010-01-30T13:25:00.000-07:00

next week I'll be in Utah for work. All week. I'm really excited to see friends and family but NOT excited about the freaking cold weather. Guess I'll have to find non-flip flop shoes to wear.

I'm going alone. Freddie-pants is staying here for school. Usually when I'm gone our house turns into a bachelor pad. The gross kind - not the look-how-cool-my-stuff-is kind.

Please bless he:

eats something other than pizza rolls
washes the baking sheet between pizza roll meals
flushes
doesn't deem the week as naked time and therefore leaves clothing allll over the place

does his own dishes
watches all his boring tv shows, movies, and lame anything so i don't have watch them ever
cleans up his nastiness before I get back

doesn't "need" anything expensive
survives

If you're in AZ please feel free to go play with Fred and check to see if he's still alive...just call ahead.

Things that bug me

2010-01-27T09:18:00.008-07:00

**is post is purely venting**

the freaking school bus(es) that charge through our complex at 7am. We wake up to their screeching every morning. So every morning I wake up wanting to grab a gun and shooting it's tires out. This also applies to the dude on his motorcycle.

housework that never ends. I work from home which means I see it all day but can't exactly take time to clean because hello...I'm working. 'why doesn't your husband help?' good question. He'll "do it tomorrow" (another venting topic in and of itself).

the lady upstairs walks as though she's 450lbs. Not okay. It's also not okay to wake up to your "activities" at night. gag.
my red face, peeling skin, chappy lips, and breaking hair - thanks accutane (1.5 more months...)
having wants that exceed our budget. sure we need to retag our cars but I also neeeed this new program for my cricut, a new golf bag wheeler thing (forgot what they're called), new clothes, decent shoes, decorations, pictures printed, and the list goes on. I'm trying to be content...trying hard...

being head over heels for my hubby. why is this a prob? because I'm wrapped around his finger. you want me to make you breakfast? sure...anything for you. in the words of my mother-in-law, "once you do something for them you're screwed". She's right.

But I also have things to love right now:

having a great husband even though he sucks at helping around the house

my home, family, job, and safety

new and old friends

white grape crystal light packets

Lady Antebellum's new album

the fact that I get to see family and friends soon (without paying an arm and a leg!)
oh and i just won a free photo session with Cherie Hogan holla....

Hello Old Friend

2010-01-22T05:51:00.001-07:00

when we moved from Utah to Arizona we suspended our Direct TV. We did this knowing that once we got to AZ we'd cancel because our contract was up and our new complex would most likely not let us have a dish. So...we suspended the service and got excited about not being attached to the tv (hello...we all know I'm addicted to my shows).

Well, on Monday I realized we had yet to cancel. So I called - and after about 30 minutes of being the mean/disgruntled customer I was beat. The lady informed me that the first guy was stupid when he told me our contract was up - because it wasn't. So...we had to get it again or pay $350 to get out of it.

$350 no thanks. So guess who had Direct TV reinstalled today. Us. and guess who is secretly really excited that DVR is back...ME ME ME!

Bachelor parties anyone??

**But don't worry. We've already promised each other that we'll turn it off and do stuff.

So new AZ friends...we need your help. call us. play with us.

Oh and thanks for the positive comments on my picture below - I still hate it but feel a little better.

Today...

2010-01-20T20:57:00.001-07:00

I officially became a resident of Arizona. With the ugliest drivers license picture ever - and I don't get a new one until 2050 - I'll be in my 60's.

Feel free to laugh at my nastiness...

I just gagged...

blog

2010-01-19T17:55:00.000-07:00

So lately I think in blog. I think about all the things I want to blog about and start 'writing' it in my head. Usually this happens before bed - just after the bejeweled gems fade from my mind but before I fall completely asleep. Because of when this happens...I don't get out of bed to write it down and I promise myself that I'll remember it the next morning.

I never do.

I have lots of post thoughts but they all need accompanying pictures because posts without pictures are lame - so it all boils down to I'm lazy and never have my camera out. Oh and I hate always being the one to take the pictures. I'm vain. I want to be in them.

so this is me - promising to take and to make fred take pictures of me so I can blog about stuff.

I want one

2010-01-11T15:27:00.003-07:00

Renner Omar
Originally uploaded by paulhitz

It's no secret that I want a dog. Well...to some people it isn't a secret. To others it might be.

So yes. I want a pup. Go ahead and make fun of me but I want a little pooch like a yorkie. One like my friend Sydni's yorkie. Tiny - adorable - not yippy - the perfect apartment dog.

I've wanted one ever since that one time when we had one for 24 hours. We actually had one "in the oven" that we'd be picking up next month but mama yorkie lost them (it was a sad day for me). So now I still really want one and am waiting patiently until the day we find one.

Yeah yeah I know we're young - we're out of town a lot (not anymore) - dogs tie you down - blah blah blah.

I'm thinking we'll start with a dog and work up to kids. So if you like the idea of me having a baby in the future - you won't be mean about me wanting a dog specifically a yorkie.

Happy Weekend

2010-01-08T18:06:00.002-07:00

P I C K . I T
Originally uploaded by * OneLovePhoto.com

I'll be catching a chick flick with a new friend, relaxing, hitting up the ikea sale, stopping by Michaels, and maybe even the goodwill. Mostly just getting out of the house and enjoying this gorgeous Arizona weather!

Hopefully I'll get to craft on my new cricut, finish one of my crafty projects and do some laundry too.

What are your plans?